okay so,
1-I need help with the start and end, is it fine as it is below. or should I add to it what I'm writing later.
2- needs proofreading and add/delete suggestions.
so there is no certain topic. what they ask of above the text box is: Creative Space/Personal Statement.
I intend of it to be the Personal statement.
As a responsible citizen, I have always felt it my utmost duty to maintain equilibrium by contributing back to society. Be it something as simple as taking care of a sick bird, helping a senior citizen cross a road or even buying food for a fellow homeless being, I consider it my duty to help. The sense of accomplishment such an endeavor brings about is greater than any reward. Volunteering at The Citizens Foundation added fuel to my passion as I had an opportunity to not only explore and re-invent teaching methodologies, but also familiarize myself with the workings of an NGO. Every day I met young and impressionable minds - whose potential, if given a benign environment, was beyond anything I could have perceived. I realized that education is the greatest gift one can bestow upon society.
[...]
Hi, I think your essay was very good. I made a few suggestions in your text. Also, I like your additional paragraphs, but the first addition doesn't seem like it would fit in well if you put it right after your first paragraph. Also, I am a little confused about exactly how you plan to combine social work with economics - I mean what kind of career would you have? Maybe that is unnecessary detail, but I can't get a clear picture of how you want to combine those two pursuits.
okay so,
1-I need help with the start and end, is it fine as it is below. or should I add to it what I'm writing later.
2- needs proofreading and add/delete suggestions.
so there is no certain topic. what they ask of above the text box is: Creative Space/Personal Statement.
I intend of it to be the Personal statement.
As a responsible citizen, I have always felt it my utmost duty to maintain equilibrium by contributing back to society. Be it something as simple as taking care of a sick bird, helping a senior citizen cross a road or even buying food for a fellow homeless being, {"homeless being" sounds a little odd to me} I consider it my duty to help. The sense of accomplishment such an endeavor brings about is greater than any reward. Volunteering at The Citizens Foundation added fuel to my passion[,] as I had an opportunity to not only explore and re-invent teaching methodologies, but also familiarize myself with the workings of an NGO. Every day I met young and impressionable minds - whose potential, if given a benign {"supportive" seems better - benign is too neutral} environment, was beyond anything I could have perceived. I realized that education is the greatest gift one can bestow upon society.
And yet, I have a passion for economics too. Despite having a pure sciences background, I have always been fascinated by how a change in the exchange rate affects our cost of living, the myriad ways in which a government generates revenue, and the enigma which is an economic recession. My curiosity led me to pursue economics in the A-Levels and my interest in the subject has increased. The field that merges my thirst for economics and my passion for social work is economics itself. At its core, social work is concerned with social justice and arguably, social justice cannot be achieved unless economic justice is attained. Therefore, social work is concerned with the equitable distribution and access to resources. Additionally, I have observed that economics is not limited to centuries-old theories; rather, it is evolving per modern day needs. Thus, the diversity in this field is such that it would give me an edge in not only the many facets of economics but also in the ever-changing financial climate.
It was my interest in Economics that prompted me to persuade my father to invest in the local stock market. A venture that has allowed me to implement practically the knowledge gained through years of reading the Business section of the 'DAWN' Newspaper. {this is not a complete sentence} I have been actively managing my father's stocks[, ] suggesting trades based on market patterns and expected earnings of various organizations etc. I also plan to set up my own trader account at the Karachi Stock Exchange in the near future.
Belonging to a family where politics is the main topic of discussion in every gathering, I have developed an innate interest in the machination[s ] of the wider world. An avid reader of 'The Economist','The Telegraph' and "DAWN" newspaper, I am someone who wants to know something about everything and seeks to know all angles of a happening story. {"happening story" sounds odd - maybe "of a current story as it is happening"} On the other hand, {this transition sounds a bit odd, as this is not really the opposite of your previously mentioned interests} I'm a fitness enthusiast who seeks pleasure in breaking the psycho-physical barrier that is a training plateau. Training beyond my initial goal is a method that has not only helped increase my endurance but also taught me that limits are based entirely on perception.
At school I have occupied myself with management pursuits. I was part of the Public Relations {I would not capitalize this} department for our school's first ever Science Olympiad the "Scientia'13". An intense promotional campaigning , an exhaustive registration process and interaction with the over two-hundred {two words, no hyphen} participants of the event helped hone my interpersonal skills. The event proved to be a success and in 2014 I was again entrusted with the same responsibility to help cement Scientia as a permanent venture at our school. The second edition of "Scientia" proved to be [even] better {I mean, you just said the initial year was a success} as we managed to utilize the feedback of the participants to best effect and overcome the initial lapses.
1- should the two paragraphs below be the first and the last ones in the above essay, or is it fine as it is.
start with:
For years, my perception of college life had been but a seminar hall packed with hundreds of students whose cogitations {cogitations sounds a little bit "high falutin'" here :) }were drowned in a sea of typical coursework. However, when I chanced upon XYZ and its great emphasis on leadership through teaching and research, holistic undergraduate education, and civic engagement I knew that is where I belong.
end with:
Thus, I am excited about XYZ. The fact that there is a diverse and comprehensive course in Economics as well as a major in Accounting & Finance makes XYZ a perfect fit for me. Also, community service requires knowledge of the humanities and XYZ with its humanities school will expose me to a sublime environment that will allow me to explore my two vastly different interests in the classroom and beyond. I hope to be among the priviledged few in each XYZ class and I aim to flourish not just as a student but also as a person by interacting with the University's diverse and talented population
2- leave it as it is.
