Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
A few years after I moved my parents divorced. It was then the four of us living in a 5 bedroom house,because my father's side of the family had to leave. There was so much space, but so little room. Everyday when I got on the bus after school, I was one of the last stops. Therefore, I watched as the bus took me around in a neighborhood of million dollar homes. It was a showcase for real estate, but when you're young you have no notion of wealth. Soon the house was sold. We drove for about 20 minutes. What difference could 20 minutes possibly make? It was six and two threes to me. A million dollar home will buy a million dollar house. I thought I was an absolute genius.Then I woke up in a quarter of my old room, went to the narrow and dank bathroom, and saw the reflection of a spoiled kid. As a result of my misfortunes, I understood what fortune meant. Its a big world outside of the bubble. A firsthand experience in a secondhand house.Although on Friday afternoons, I would get to leave for my dad's house.There, weekends became escapes; summers I lived in a fantasy. One summer I was on a European cruise coasting across Italy; one winter I was without heat during school nights. Nevertheless, all good things have to come to an end and two months before school finished the landlord kicked us out. As a result, I came home off the bus with another kid. He got in the house; I went to the driveway. My mother took me to where her boss lived. He gave us two rooms.
I guess we all try to live how we don't want to live. My upbringing brought me to despise the life that I can sympathize with. So far enough won't be far enough, but far out will be just too distant. Chances are I will fall, therefore, the Moon and Antarctica won't be graced with my presence. "If I were a rich man" just does not resound with me, because it is simply sounder to avoid risks. Thus, fear of failing supersedes dreams of success. Consequently, I aspire for absolute modesty locked in the center of the social strata, never to leave, as the outskirts scare me. I pray my mentality will change over time, but the damage is done. I look for the remedy in higher education, and with any luck, I won't have to lie back to chance. An easy life is not my style either, since smooth seas don't make skillful sailors.Correspondingly, I wish to be duly prepared in contrast to how I was years ago.
The essay uses some metaphor which is good, I am a fan of using metaphor
Your writing doesn't really do a great job of tying in all the events you mention. I hear a little about the bus, a little about your family and a bit about the rich neighborhood here and there but I find it hard to decipher how these events tie to who you are now and are going to be.
Secondly, the overall tone, especially in your last paragraph is very sad. you "pray my mentality will change over time, but the damage is done" with hope for "higher education and good luck." I think you should put in some stuff that shows colleges your willingness to learn
ps: please look at my essay too, I don't have any comments, lol!
A few years after I moved my parents divorced.
you moved where? why? You cannot assume the reader knows these things.
Well... I find your response pretty disorganized. You need to arrange your ideas to flow more logically. They are now scattered sporadically.
First decide on the main idea you need to tell them. Is it your parents' divorce? or the hardships thereafter? Whatever it is, you need to first arrange your ideas in their priority order and then present. I think you need to re-do this response.
