This is my essay for the Fisher Program in management and Technology at Penn.
The prompt asks why I want to study Management and Technology.
Any level of criticism and revision is welcome! Thanks!
Summer Learning - Business and Engineering
This summer, I had my three seconds of fame. I and other interns of [withdrawn] were invited to a NASDAQ bell ringing ceremony where we had a group picture taken and displayed in Times Square. But the real stars of the day were six graduate school students who won the Wharton Business Plan Competition for founding Cortical Concepts, a biotechnology company that developed and commercialized innovative spinal surgery technology. As the budding entrepreneurs prepared to ring the closing bell, they were asked to share the greatest challenge on their path to success. They responded with three words: "customer, customer, customer".
I remember facing a challenging customer once. For my sixth grade science fair, I had designed and constructed a solar powered water heater. Enthralled with my first feat of engineering, I stayed up all night to literally watch its paint dry. At the fair, as I was explaining my prized project's engineering, a parent asked me indulgently, "why should I buy this? What benefit will I get?" I was stumped. I could talk about the technology for hours but had no clue about any economic aspect of the 'product'. Though I was interested in alternative energy, I did not understand the linkage between technology and its commercial viability.
I've come a long way since then, with a growing desire to learn how management and technology interact. While interning at [withdrawn], a solar technology start-up company, I wondered why the company hadn't already become highly successful; its technology was fully developed, blueprinted, and ready for production and installation. So why couldn't I find its solar panels available at the local Home Depot? By sitting in board meetings to help me develop presentation materials, I gradually became exposed to the challenges a technology company like Solaire faces. Surely, the meetings involved technical deliberations on increasing snow load capacity to improve functionality and changing cell contours to maximize solar ray absorption. However, the majority of the time was spent discussing immediate business issues such as attracting customers, generating revenue, and competing with other firms. The animated conversations about competitive positioning, pricing, and cost/benefit analysis intrigued me. It became clear that though the company excelled in developing its technology, strong business management would play a key role in its growth.
I recognize the importance of learning the fundamentals of both business and engineering. The Jerome Fisher program in Management and Technology would provide me with a solid foundation in the skills I'd need to be a successful entrepreneur. As an aspiring pioneer in fuel cell technology, I hope to be at the forefront of ushering in an era of commercially viable alternative energy. To do so, I would seize the opportunities at Penn-from the incubator of innovation that is the Weiss Tech House to Wharton's Venture Initiative Program-to learn and experience all there is about the synthesis of business and technology. Hopefully, I'll form my own venture and someday get my turn to ring NASDAQ's bell.
Here is an idea to improve the sentence structure:
Six other interns at [withdrawn] and I were invited to...
I remember facing a challenging customer once. I think you should replace this sentence with one that carries a little more meaning. For example:
I once faced a challenging customer whose attitude caused me to gain an insight about XXXXXXXX. ---This will make it possible to make the sentence about the main idea of the paragraph so that it can be a good "paragraph topic sentence."
Here is another example of a paragraph topic sentence that does not carry much meaning:
I recognize the importance of learning the fundamentals of both business and engineering.
I think it will be better if you write:
With knowledge about the fundamentals of both business and engineering, I can XXXXXXXXX.
:-)
