Any feedback would be appreciated.
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
It was a hot afternoon; my grandma was busy washing the dishes while my mother was preparing for work. I was in the living room, curled up on a couch reading about the antics of Junie B. Jones. Before my mother left for work, she reminded me that my little brother was in the other room sleeping, and that I should not forget to check in on him periodically. Once I heard the loud "slam" of the garage door, I closed my book, raced towards the freezer, and grabbed an ice cream bar. Knowing that my grandma would scold me for eating ice cream, I retreated to the safety of my bedroom and proceeded to eat my treat there.
It was only minutes before I heard multiple slams and frantic shouts. Curious, I headed to the garage door and opened it. Six years of life did not prepare me for what I saw; my baby brother, lying under our family car, surrounded by a puddle of his own blood. My mother and grandma were on the ground, trying to pull him out from under the car. I watched dazedly until, after what seemed like hours, they were finally able to retrieve him. Pushing me aside, my mother rushed into the house and proceeded to call 911. I stood next to her, quietly asking whether he was going to be okay. In response, she gave me a sharp slap across the face and said, "You should have been watching him."
Shocked, I retreated back to my bedroom and cried myself to sleep until I awoke to the loud knocks on my door. It was my grandma, telling me that I had to tell the police what happened since she didn't know English and my mother was already at the hospital with my brother. Cleaning myself of the dried tears, I went and told the police all I knew. I didn't know exactly how my brother was hurt, but thankfully I was spared the trouble of answering when my father arrived with my older sister; my mother had already filled him in on what happened. Apparently, my mother went back inside to use the bathroom and while she was in there, my brother got up and went to go look for her. When he saw the garage door open, he went outside and stood behind the car until my mother, unknowingly, backed into him.
By the time I arrived at the hospital with my family, all my aunts and uncles, were already there. When they saw me enter the children's ward, they all rushed towards me, each one yelling the same thing; why wasn't I watching him? I recall the officers at the scene saying that it was nobody's fault, that it was just an accident, but who was I going to believe, a stranger with a shiny badge, or all the adults in my life? A child's mind is highly susceptible at the age of six; if you repeat to them something enough, they will believe it.
Still feeling guilty about it to this day, I assumed the role of "responsible older sister." Often, I found myself making him dinner, checking his homework, and reading to him. That incident reflects heavily on who I am today; I take my responsibilities very seriously, knowing that my actions could lead to a life or death situation.
Valerie,
It must have been tough for you to re-live that story by telling it again. I am sure that you have re-lived it in more ways than one, both in your mind and on paper since it happened! I feel for you and your pain! It's only through these tragedies (sadly) that families seem to bond together closer than anyone could ever imagine.
You did an excellent job with the essay! It is definitely a heart-felt story, one that lives within you and will continue to do so for the rest of your life. Thanks for sharing the story with us, and I wish you the best of luck with your essay.
Mark
Thank you! And yes it was difficult to write, but it is in the past now and I have moved on.
And an excellent job, you say? I'm not very confident in my writing abilities, so I'm unsure if there are any blatant grammatical errors or just some things I need to tweak here and there.
Apparently, my mother went back inside, to use the bathroom and while she was in there, my brother got up and went to go look for her. When he saw the garage door open, he went outside and stood behind the car until my mother, unknowingly, backed into him. ---- This part is confusing, because I thought it happened while she was in the bathroom. Maybe you do not need to mention the bathroom.
This is weird. I can understand why your mother might have a momentary freakout in the heat of the situation, but why would aunts and uncles cast blame on the 6 year-old? It seems unrealistic.
Well, I am so sorry this happened to you, and I hope your brother is okay! As for the essay, I hope you can find phrases and sentences to shorten or remove, and use the extra space to write a longer conclusion, reflecting more on what effects this has had. What are some ways this has developed into part of your personality?
