I know some of you guys spend a lot of time reading this stuff on here so I really appreciate you taking time to read my essay. This is really rough, but i thank you all for commenting in advance!!
Describe the world you come from and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Although it sounds unnatural, the restroom has become a sanctuary for my life. It is my personal shelter and basically a second home. It is one of the only places where I can think and be myself. Outside of those walls were people, like my parents and friends, who place ideas in my head and make personal decisions for me. Out there were scientists with the remote to my control panel. Inside the bathroom, I could complain about the iniquities of life and also analyze myself to see if I was who I wanted to be. In a space so small and finite, it gives me a sense of security and secrecy. It was a place where no one would hear what I thought about others and how I viewed the world.
Stepping into new and unfamiliar territory didn't change how I saw things. I memorized colors of the walls that surrounded me and thought of myself bunkered from the horrors of the "real world." I made sure that the toilet paper was always to my left, a little security measure that satisfied my gaping fear of not having it. The walls were usually white or a cream color, which always soothed my moods whether I broke into the room crying or fuming with anger. Typically, in foreign landings, I would ruminate over my recent encounters and how I should have dealt with the situation with more pizzazz, but on such occasions where my father would castigate me with tough lectures or my friends would converse of their aspirations as a rocket scientist or as the nation's president, I take time to question where I was headed and if my future is really what I want and not what others want. The only real choice I had in my life was choosing my friends. My personality was influenced by my parents but I got to choose who I spent my time with. When I saw a part of myself or someone I wanted to be, that person effortlessly became a part of my life. Because my parents had raised me to have high standards in life, my friends were all competent and challenged me to become better than they were. Now that I have achieved those high standards and my goals seemed reachable, I came to a realization that I may not want to be the doctor or engineer my parents aspired me to become. This became a major topic of deep contemplation in whatever bathroom that I went to. Sure, my home was a place of independent thinking, but whatever thoughts that I produced were from an inexperienced mind. I was only a fledgling to the eagles that my parents were. They have lived in constant struggle; my parents always tried to balance their finances to provide my brother and sisters and me a quiet environment without worries. So, as I sat there, in the utopian society that was my bathroom, I decided that I want to strive for success as a doctor and provide for my parents, who put in the effort to raise me.
"Out there were scientists with the remote to my control panel."
This sentence does not make sense for me. Maybe clarify it? Sorry I couldn't help much..
Starting off with the restroom being your sanctuary is very unique i like that idea a lot!
"Inside the bathroom, I could complain about the iniquities of life and also analyze myself to see if I was who I wanted to be." ---this shows em that you take the time out to actually think about yourself and who you are. Good.
when you say "This became a major topic of deep contemplation in whatever bathroom that I went to." the whatever bathroom portion takes away from the specialty of your sanctuary because it shows its everywhere. what i said sounds weir but i hope you get what i mean.
Thank you so much for reading this! Ill be sure to take note of your comments.
Hello!
I really like the idea that your bathroom is your sanctuary. It's creative, and definitely reeled me in. However, I am left rather confused about how you feel about your parents and aspirations.
FIRST PARAGRAPH: So, in the start, you seems to want to get away from your parents and friends by going into your sanctuary. This is because you don't like the fact that they make personal decisions for you.
I think you should consider getting rid of the line "out there were scientists with the remote to my control panel ." Although it makes the setting more universal as it creates the idea that the shelter helps you cope with the world and not just your parents, the rest of the essay doesn't follow up with it because towards the end, it focuses more on your parent's and their influence.
Also, I don't like the line "It was a place where no one would hear what I thought about others and how I viewed the world. " It makes you sound less confident, as if you're hiding because you think your thoughts and views are not important enough to be heard. I don't think you're like this. Instead, perhaps elaborate on some of the things you think about in the bathroom, things you couldn't think about in the outside world.
SECOND PARAGRAPH: You start out with "Stepping into new and unfamiliar territory didn't change how I saw things " but then you go on to talk about familiarity in your bathroom, such as memorizing the wall colors. Also, I'm not really quite sure how you saw things from the first paragraph.
The line "Typically, in foreign landings, I would ruminate over my recent encounters and how I should have dealt with the situation with more pizzaz, but on such occasions where my father would castigate me with tough lectures or my friends would converse of their aspirations as a rocket scientist or as the nation's president, I take time to question where I was headed and if my future is really what I want and not what others want. " I like this line and I think this is the main focus of your essay as it follows up with the first paragraph. This line makes the bathroom more meaningful because it is where you can contemplate what YOU want, and not your parents.
"Sure, my home was a place of independent thinking, but whatever thoughts that I produced were from an inexperienced mind. I was only a fledgling to the eagles that my parents were. They have lived in constant struggle; my parents always tried to balance their finances to provide my brother and sisters and me a quiet environment without worries. So, as I sat there, in the utopian society that was my bathroom, I decided that I want to strive for success as a doctor and provide for my parents, who put in the effort to raise me"
This seems to contradict your point. So, at first, you used the bathroom to help you make decisions for yourself because you did not want your parents to make them for you. However, then you realize your parents' struggles, and suddenly, you're going to become a doctor because they wanted you to. I think you avoid this, you need to elaborate on why you want to be a doctor, besides the fact that it will make your parents happy. The second part of the prompt is "tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations" and right now, I'm not sure if its your bathroom or your parents. Maybe even both.
Keep in mind that this is just my opinion, and I might be being way too picky.
I think you have a great start, however, you need to focus a little more on what you're trying to say, and then clarify that point. If you have any questions, or disagreements about anything I said, feel free to let me know. Good luck!
Ok i edited this one. I dont know if i need more detail at the end or not. i decided to take out those awk sentences.
Describe the world you come from and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
The restroom is a sanctuary for my life. Outside of those plastered walls are people, like my parents and friends, who try to place ideas in my head and make personal decisions for me. The bathroom was a place where I could complain about the iniquities of life and analyze myself and my actions. In a space so small and modest, it provides me with a sense of security and secrecy. I was able to be independent and decide the course of my own life. Of course, my parents eventually override any brilliant proposals that I derived from the lavatory with one of their own.
My father's castigation of simple mistakes often left me in great shame or frustration. He constantly stressed his desire for me to become a doctor something no one in our large family has ever achieved. After being subject to a talk of the "future," I made a beeline to the only place where I knew that would gladly accept me. My first instinct stepping into the bathroom was to stare at the mirror, an obvious indication of outside influence. I quickly closed the door and as soon as I locked it, I felt as if I temporarily pulled myself out of the daily activities of the world. I made sure that the toilet paper was to my left, a small habit that satisfied my gaping fear of not having it. Towels were hung in front of me for the event that I wash my hands. Everything was in its place, but was I? I started to wonder if anything I did in life was me at all and not my parents or friends. And now that I have achieved those high standards and my goals seemed reachable, I needed to understand why I, not my parents, aspire to become a doctor. The restroom that was once still, exploded with my screams of anguish. I experienced a relief as I concluded my session.
I got up from my throne of self pity and transitioned myself to the basin cleansing water. The soothing water over my soapy hands never felt more relaxing. But the more I washed, the more I saw the filth of my selfish mind flow down the drain. My inclination to think only of myself caused me to disregard the misfortunes of my family. The father that raised me to become academically competitive suffers from diabetes and the grandfather that I should have taken time to know died from that same disease. At that moment in time, I honestly disliked my father, but I came to terms that his actions had reason. So, as I stood there, in my own restroom, I decided to become doctor in order to be able to care for my future family and to give back to my parents a lasting life that they worked hard to provide for me.
This is a much more focuses essay in my opinion because it expanded the importance of your sanctuary. I now realize that it is more than just a place where you think, but a place that has helped you realize your future as it changed a negative experience to a very positive one. I also like the chain reaction happening in this one: dad talks about future leads to the bathroom which leads to the realization which leads right back to family. Therefore, there is a relationship between your bathroom and family, rather than a separation, both of which has helped you decide to become a doctor.
Minor things:
Keep present tense in the first paragraph: The restroom is a sanctuary for my life. Outside of those plastered walls are people, like my parents and friends, who try to place ideas in my head and make personal decisions for me. The bathroom is a place where I could complain about the iniquities of life and analyze myself and my actions. In a space so small and modest, it provides me with a sense of security and secrecy. I am able to be independent and decide the course of my own life. Of course, my parents eventually override any brilliant proposals that I derived from the lavatory with one of their own.
Really awesome job. (:
I think the revision of your original essay was so much stronger. I got to see the connection between the restroom and your father's wish for you to become a doctor. This is a very very well written essay. I also really liked how your essay flows very well, and the beginning and the ending really connects. However, there are minor problems mentioned above. other than that, your essay is ready to be submitted! good luck!
I enjoyed reading this! definitely a stronger version of the first draft.
Excellent Work! although you should refine "Out there were scientists with the remote to my control panel. " It seems to be lacking clarification..
thank you all so much for your help! I love you guys.
This last version is without doubt much more stronger than the 1st one! I founded it more interesting to read and answers in a better way the topic question. Good job!! :)
Really great 2nd essay, well done.
Thank you all for your comments! but is there a better way to make this flow more? As i read this aloud, it felt choppy and really rushed.
Your essay was a really great read! Your essay is nicely structured and throughout you displayed the connection from where you were to the outside :)
Excellent essay :)
I don't think your essay is choppy! great conclusion and intro! I feel like i know what kind of person you are just by reading your essay!
I ADORE THIS ESSAY. Just throwing that out there. I feel like the last sentence is a touch anti climactic and a bit resigned and un-developed, as all conclusions are bound to be. But that is my only critique. I adore it.