I would like anyone to give feedback on this essay. It is a rough draft, and your opinion is valued. Thanks!
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.
The door anxiously swings open and in stumbles my new roommate, weighed down by
his belongings. He and I are unfamiliar with one another at the moment, but over the months
to follow, we shall build a lifelong friendship. As he glances around the room, he already begins
to learn much about me through my personal items.
My roommate feels satisfied to see that I keep my possessions neatly organized and
not chaotically scattered about. First, he notices the small fish aquarium to his left, placed
upon a desk. Growing up on Dale Hollow Lake, aquatic animals have been a major interest
since childhood. These fish have resided in my room for the previous four years.
Next, as he continues to view my belongings, he notices a stack of books and magazines
beside the bed. From the Harry Potter series to any number of John Grisham novels, my love
of reading can surely be seen. My subscription to magazines, including the Rolling Stone
Magazine and Newsweek, display my varying interests even further.
He finally notices two pairs of shoes beside the doorway. One pair are running shoes, as
I am an avid runner. The pair appears ragged from the two mile daily routine, as running
allows me time to relieve stress and tension. Also, the other pair are cowboy boots. I
must certainly keep these boots, in order to pay homage to my down-home roots. I may
even periodically decide to visit Stanford's equestrian stables.
As my roommate quickly realizes my interests include a wide range of events and ideas,
having been uniquely distinguished by a number of life experiences. Of one thing I am
certain, though, our freshmen year will remain an exciting, memorable experience. The
forthcoming semesters will provide us infinite opportunities to learn and excel.
In first paragraph, change "in stumbles" to rather "stumbles in".
In second paragraph, I suggest you write "aquatic animals have been a major interest OF MINE since childhood".
Well-written, overall!
