Hello, this is my basic rough draft of my application. It needs a lot of work, but i don't know where to begin! I am open to any and all criticism - anything will help! THANK YOU!
PROMPT:Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
It has been said that the surroundings that a person is raised in determines their personality, whether it be positive or negative. In a sense I find this true. I am from El Centro California, a small town near the boarder of Mexico, which was voted the number one worst place to live in America. Everyday I am exposed to the harsh realities of unemployment, teen pregnancy, and poverty. However, my father is my daily reminder of the possibilities I can have to if I don't succumb to the status quo and make a better life for myself.
My father is the most inspiring person I know. He was raised by a single mother in the projects along with his three siblings. While my grandma worked day and night, he was obligated to act as both the mother and father figure in the family as a child. He gave up his summer vacations to do field work to support his family. He knew at a young age that he would have to work hard to make a better future for himself and that he did. He took on the responsibility of both raising me as a single father and working long hours everyday. My favorite memory will always be going to work with him and sitting along side him in his truck while drive thru fields out in the countryside. Years of backbreaking work outside the hot 115 degree sun paid off and he now has a career in agriculture and is a successful business owner.
Although I live in a place where inadequacy is the normal my dad pushed me to get good grades, be involved in school activities, and try the hardest I can. He also opened my eyes to the opportunities outside of El Centro. This has influenced me to work hard and never except anything less than I deserve. I plan to be the first person in my family to go to college and get out of El Centro. I am happy that I was raised here however, it made me the person I am today.
A few things:
exposed to the harsh realities of unemployment, teen pregnancy, and poverty. Expand on this: what makes your town different than other impoverished, "bad" neighborhoods? Every city has issues like teen pregnancy and such, but what makes your town unique?
However, my father is my daily reminder of the possibilities I can have to if I don't succumb to the status quo and make a better life for myself. This is your major point! Nice job with this statement, this is the focus of your paper. (remove "to" from this sentence)
You are doing fine with your paper so far. One thing you should do: emphasize your core values, your dad inspired you, but in the end it is YOU who must be presented as a person the college wants to accept. Be sure to represent yourself as a man with a plan. Connect how your education will help you reach your goals and achievement. Make this evident: you have long-term and short-term goals and college is the stepping stone to them.
