I desperately need some feedback. Help! Thank you so much!
Topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
If the story of the thirteen American colonies could be personified into a single experience, I would be the first to relate to this because I too have been given the opportunity to break away from the old to begin anew to live life through fresh eyes.
The teaching of the British policy of Salutary Neglect and its impacts on her thirteen American colonies left me comparing myself to those colonies. Leaving my old life behind, I came to the United States to study, to embrace a new self, to strive for my own dreams. However, I did not have an open revolution against anyone, rather a revolution against my own self-conviction, which was ultimately triggered by my parents' "salutary neglect" of me.
It is not too much to say that I was neglected by my parents as a child. When speaking of neglected children, one might think of kids whose parents are wrapped up in work, or juvenile rebels who are hopeless and their parents simply give up on them. I, on the other hand, belong to neither of those two categories. I know it might sound like nonsense, but I was neglected due to my outstanding achievements.
I do not exactly know the reason for my obsessively stringent conviction regarding conventional perfectionism. This idea was planted and grew in my mind from the day I walked into school for the first time. I tried hard to make people like me: I had always been on the President's Honor Roll; I had always been a teacher's pet; I had always actively participated in various extracurricular activities; and I never rebelled against elders. In all, I was anything but trouble. My sparkling glory made my parents feel like the winners of it all.
Enjoying all the praise I received, I saw my self-image as one of the greatest attributes of my happiness. Unfortunately, this belief of mine became a nightmare when I discovered that my parents no longer paid any attention to my school life. My accomplishments, no longer dazzled my parents and everyone else, but rather became a part of our daily routine. With a lack of approval and commends from others, I became a puppet without an audience, beautiful on the outside but operated with an unanimated soul. Neglect, ironically, was overwhelming, especially when I compared myself with others who received so much praise for their achievements. I realized I was an addict to my own vanity. I began to wonder what my purpose for success was now, since previously getting credit for it was my drug. Now that I had lost this drug, what do I really want?
With an excellent score on the high school entrance exam, I enrolled in an experimental class in one of the best high schools in my city. Many people envied me for having such a great opportunity for extraordinary education; what they did not know was that being in such a competitive environment where everyone else around you wanted to be perfect, I had to sacrifice my personal happiness. I felt like I was living only to please others.
As I struggled to keep up with my classmates, my parents' neglect provided me a freedom to develop self- autonomy. I started to learn about the liberal educational system of the U.S. and became very passionate about studying abroad. I would love to join the varsity tennis team; I would love to be in the glee club; I would love to volunteer at charity shops. All of these exciting activities are somehow far away from a Chinese high school student's daily routine. However, going to the United States was considered a getaway from China's cruel examination-oriented education. I certainly did not wish to be called a "coward" or "slacker," but I felt a strong impulse to break free from my past standards of being exemplary. I eventually chose to ignore the naysayers and to attend an American high school. My previous question "what do I really want" can finally be answered with no hesitation. What I really want is simple yet difficult- a non-artificial self. What I really want is the authorship of my own story.
It certainly took me a lot of courage to grow up and become who I really want to be. I am here now, as a high school senior, excited and ready for college, happier than ever. I am still tough on my standards I want to live up to, but that's also part of my pleasure, because I know I am being my fullest self. Looking back, I don't regret my choice to come to the U.S., neither do I blame my parents for neglecting me. On the contrary, I appreciate this "salutary neglect." Like the thirteen American colonies, I was given an opportunity to become independent and self-aware, and to explore my own understanding of life-- that is, I do not live to please others but to fulfill my commitments to myself, to be who I am.
I am not perfect in others' eyes, and I am glad about it.
I don't like, " to live life through fresh eyes."You can use "with" maybe, but not "through." Or you could write, "See life through fresh eyes..." but anyway, that whole thing about fresh eyes is a cliche. I think later today you will suddenly think of a brilliant way to express the same idea, perhaps with the use of a metaphor that has something to do with colonies or colonialism.
embrace a new self, to strive for my own dreams. ----This is too vague.. you can sharpen it up with some mention of your aspiration (i.e. the one that motivates you to take up a particular field of study in college.)
I was neglected due to my outstanding achievements.---This seems hard to believe, and it seems very self-aggrandizing. Self-aggrandizement is hard to avoid in this kind of essay, but... to say you were neglected due to outstanding achievements seems melodramatic.
I realized I was an addict to my own vanity.---this is the good sentence. it has to be changed because it is worded incorrectly (vanity is not what one is addicted to, but I know what you mean). My idea for you: Express this humble idea, and take out any sentence that seems to place responsibility on parents. It's okay to say you were thinking the wrong way in the past, but don't write anything in a way that makes the reader think you are thinking wrong in the present.
I see how you did some great reflection, and you have a great message about the lessons you learned, but I want to warn you that in the middle of the essay you worded some things in ways that make it seems like you still have that vanity. It's just a matter of wording it differently...
:-)
