Any feedback will be much appreciated. Thank you.
Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?(500 words)
I see a world full of possibilities at the University of Pennsylvania.
This summer, during my work experience program in Setco Automotive Ltd. - a multinational company, I saw this grinding machine, placed on a conveyor belt, vibrating vigorously. The enormity of the vibration took me aback. And then it just hit me! Why could I not do something with this vibration? Vibration was the problem. But I felt then that it could be used the other way round to, in fact, serve as an aid in industrial processes. Since then, I have written a research paper on "Vibrations in Manufacturing Processes" and have become passionate about doing advanced research in this field.
I feel that there is potential for groundbreaking research in this field and with effective use of vibrations, manufacturing can be taken to new levels. The thought of making a breakthrough makes me nervous and excited but in order to do this, I would first need to understand the finer aspects of Mechanical engineering and UPenn's School of Engineering and Applied Science would provide the perfect platform to accomplish this.
UPenn will allow me to really explore myself in unimagined ways. The strong focus on interdisciplinary learning and the 'One University' system are extremely appealing. I have fostered a genuine interest in Mathematics, mainly due to my current IB Maths HL program. The chance to do a second major such as Mathematics, outside SEAS, is exactly why Penn's diverse education appeals to me so much. Moreover, The Engineering Entrepreneurship program presents with it the opportunity for true innovation. And to cap it off, the inter school minor in South Asia Studies provides everything that I could possibly hope for and more.
With my previous experience as Head Boy having been a very fruitful one, I would like to take an active part in the Penn Student Government and collaborate with my peers on new and exciting projects to further promote diversity and excellence. I also have a vision of either extending the Wharton Indian Student's Association to other Schools, as well, or creating an entirely new Association especially for Indian Undergraduates at Penn. The thought of having small classes with whom I can share stories of my culture is extremely inviting and further heightens my desire to travel halfway around the world to Philadelphia to feel the wonder of the University of Pennsylvania Campus. I would be delighted, to, in my own small way, add a little Indian flair to the campus and amuse my peers and faculty with the traditional Bhangra Folk dance, which, interestingly, is the only dance where I do not have two left feet.
I would love to continue my passion for soccer, in UPenn, under Coach Rudy Fuller. The prospect of representing the Quakers starting team as a forward, and scoring goals for them is extremely mouth watering. Although I am committed to fitting in and learning from my peers, I do aim to make a name for myself, in the Penn community.
Your essay is full of substance and easily communicates your interests and passions. However, the one discernible problem is that you try to encompass too many of your interests and passions; you should devote this supplement to one topic - either your engineering, student government or soccer experiences - so as to preserve the consistency of your piece as whole. I thought the transitions between each "part" of your essay was far too sharp.
I think that if you were to spend all of your essay talking about your engineering anecdote (which sounds like your most powerful memory), you would have a very solid piece of work.
Thanks Eric. I see what you mean and will make some changes. However, do you think if I if I talk only about my interest in engineering, then, perhaps, I would miss out on an opportunity to communicate more?
In my opinion, if engineering is truly the major that you want to pursue, you should try to communicate even more about why you are interested in the field. Adcoms don't want you to try and hit every aspect of Penn in your essay; you need to pick one area that you are passionate about and develop that as much as you can.
