School that challenges me + Soccer motto: UCF Admissions Essays

Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

Eight months until graduation, and my sisters old room is full of items that I have bought for college. I have everything from my comforter to kitchen ware all of my friends think I am insane for having all this already, but I am just excited and eager to go. I can not imagine myself going anywhere except UCF. I remember two years ago when my sister was moving into her dorm at UCF I was more excited than she was, and when moving her in and touring the school I fell in love with it. Everything about this school fascinated me from the crowds of large people, to the dorms. I want to be an elementary school teacher it is something I could imagine doing my whole life and loving every second of it. Study at UCF is an exclusive opportunity to achieve my goals. I have applied to other schools, but make no mistake, when I would look into my future there is nowhere I would rather attend than UCF. I want to go to a school that challenges me, and helps me learn both in the classroom and outside of the classroom. That is why I am applying to the University of Central Florida, to make myself the best I can.

What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

My soccer team's motto is "Hard work beats talent when talent stops working hard" it is something that I believe in to the fullest extent. I may not be Val Victorian, but I believe from doing so many different activities I have learned so much. My best characteristic is that I am a hard worker. I have had a full plate all of my high school years, for example this year I am taking four college classes, three classes at my high school, playing varsity soccer, president of the photography club, working two jobs, going to church twice a week, volunteering, and trying to work in some social life. My plate may sometimes almost tips, and I get so stressed, but I always end up balancing it out again. Even though I almost never have a spare minute I would not change a thing, because I love everything I do, and would miss it if I stopped. I work very hard at all of those things whether it is working on homework for hours, or baking cupcake in the middle of the night for snacks for photo club. I always try to go above and beyond. At UCF I would work hard to achieve my dreams of being a teacher, and I also hope to be part of many different club and organization.

I try not to be too critical since I know you did put some thoughts into your essay :)

I think the second part of your essay is good because you did tell the college what is your strongest point. Is there a word limit to each part of the essay? I think you can expand more on that, like how each activity you have done in the past affect your daily life (even though you did say that it "almost tips your plate" ) or you can even just pick one of them and prove that you are a hard workers instead of just list your activities where they can just read from your activities list in the form filled out section. Since you put a motto from your soccer team, I would go with soccer or being a president of the photo club. What hardship did you have to face? Maintaining grades and jobs? Did anything specifically happened that made your "plate tips"?

Your first part is kind of generic. If you don't know what I mean, try and replace another college name into your essay and it still makes perfect sense. When college asked the famous "why us" question, they required you to do some research. Give them something that the school is stand out from the rest (not some obvious features that appear on the front page of the website or brochures). Your goal is to be a teacher, so how the school going to help you to achieve that goal, what major in the school that you are interested in? Are you planning to continue participate in sport teams when you enroll? Tell them more on how you like the campus, not just "Everything about this school fascinated me from the crowds of large people, to the dorms." And it would be best if you did not even mention that you have applied to other schools, no colleges want that their students to have a "back up" plan because they want their school is the only priority.

It kinda long, but I really hope it help you a bit. Sorry I am not a grammar person since English is not my first language so I cannot help you in that field. Thank you for reading this comment and GOOD LUCK!

Its a constant problem with threads in Essay Forum that people hide themselves. I have never understood that even after knowing that admission committee wants to know you as a person in the topic, everyone pretends to be something other than what they are. Who are you? What are your beliefs and values? What are your strengths? Are you witty or serious? What are your weakness that you acknowledge? None of which is answered clearly. People manage to do so, even in word constrain.

This essay reflects the same problem. I am not getting to know you as a person at all. You should be writing that you are pursuing XYZ major. I want to be a part of XYZ research. This shows you took pains to read their site and that shows you really love their site. Just words... well, a school kid writes like that. You are now, moving into college and should reflect mature writing in your essay.


Its a great review... and an excellent point.
Also,
Grammar is a also an issue. The first three lines are lame and grammatical incorrect.


Instead of "until" write "from", "sister's","for MY college".
"I have BOUGHT".... After, Kitchen ware sentence needs to change.
"Having done all this".... these are the correction but personal suggestion, to change all this.
Why did fall in love should be answered? Don't just write it, prove it!
SECOND ESSAY...


WHICH is...


This is wrong grammatically. Also, I don't think much of this thought. Maybe mention, your work better.
What job??? Employment is such a table spinner. If you are working its a great bonus and you have blurred the most important line here. Think about it and then re-draft the essay.

Hope this helps and keep working... Tell the essay something about you. :)