"the school choir" - Elaborate on One of Your ExtraCurricular Activities

Please criticize my essay constructively for me. I would be very grateful if someone could criticize it ASAP. Thanks.

He lifted up his hands with a dexterity only a few people could have had and then motioning to the group on his left and those on his right, he looked directly at those in front of him and then gave us all the signal to start singing. The performance of the school choir that evening was as splendid as all our previous performances had been. However, we couldn't have achieved this feat without the constant effort we put into our practice sessions. We meet every morning from Monday to Friday and then practice for about an hour before we go to our classes for lessons. I used to sing in the bass part. Our choir master is really a perfectionist and he always ensures that we have all learnt our parts perfectly before we perform at any function. I really enjoyed being part of the school choir.

Edem, my own buddy, your essay is good. It has a wonderful introduction, very catchy and leads on. But the first impression one gets about you essay is "A Splendid Choir Display". This is a short essay so you need to tell us how this activity has shaped you not just how wonderful the activity is. Definitely, your school doesnt need you to tell them to start a choir so focus ono telling them about you. Remember, all essays in one way or the other should say something you because its you they want to know, not your choir master. All you say about you here is "I used to sing in the bass part". What influence did the choir have on u???

Ok good thought...
Fist line is catchy but too complicated. Try to break it down.

Your extra curiccular activity has impacted you, right?
Explain the impact on your own life. How it has made the big defference in you.
They don't want to know about your extracurricular activity but how your extracurricular activity has an positive impact.

You can do it. Go for it.
Best of luck

He lifted up his hands with a dexterity only a few people could have had, and then, motioning to the groups on his left and right , he looked directly at those in front of him and then gave us all the signal to start singing.

We had met every morning from Monday to Friday and then practiced for about an hour before going to our classes for lessons.

Usually it is best not to use contractions in formal writing, but instead to write out the two words separately. Nice job, though!!

Hey, thanks. really appreciate the corrections. Will incorporate them right away.

instead of saying "our choir master is really a perfectionist" say "our choir master is truly a perfectionist" it sounds better that way.

i think you did a pretty good job.