How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago.
I have searched near (local) and far (abroad) for schools that have programs which reflect some of my personal experiences. I seek for a school to guide me to become a firm individual in this transient-mercurial world. After the University, I see myself working for a corporation; I'll be participating in meetings regarding finances and sales. On the weekends, I'll be helping individuals overcome their own adversities and continue charity work.
[...]
Regina, there is a tremendously huge problem with your essay. Instead of providing the admissions officers with an insight as to how University of Chicago can help broaden your horizons by allowing you to become a part of their university, you took them instead on a central identity preview of who you are as a hyphenated citizen of the world. Nowhere in your essay do you answer the essence of the prompt which is:
How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future?
It is my opinion that you should save this essay for a central identity common app prompt and develop a new essay instead for this particular prompt. One that addresses the requirements of the essay with specificity and truly portrays how UChicago can satisfy your desire to become a part of their academic and student world. You can do this by addressing their specific programs, as related to your major, and describing how you would be enlightened by these courses. Make reference to the student community and how you plan to become an active part of it, addressing perhaps some unique activities that you look forward to spearheading as a member of the student town. Finally, explain how UChicago fits into your idea of a well rounded future where you will become a leader of the business or whatever community you look forward to becoming a part of in the future in terms of your chosen profession.
I have already made a new essay, may I know your thoughts>
I've searched near (local and China) and far (from Australia, Europe, Canada and United States) for the school that has programs which reflect some of my personal experiences. I seek for a school to guide me to become a firm individual in this transient-mercurial world. A
[...]
Regina, we know all about what you expect to learn in college and other points of personal, academic, and social development that you hope to gain during this period. But you have not gotten into the specifics of how UChicago will be able to help you achieve these goals. You need to show the admissions officer a sense of familiarity with the academic offerings, notable internship programs, etc., that UChicago offers in line with your expectations. I believe your failure to answer the prompt properly lies in the fact that you seem to be undecided about what your major actually will be. You are dancing around between the medical and business field. Pick a major and discuss the relation of UChicago to it. You can't serve two masters in one essay. If you want to be a double major, then try to get into one college first. You can apply for your secondary major next semester. Try to clarify which major you are really applying to and develop that discussion alone. Don't confuse yourself and the reader. That is the only way that you will be able to properly respond to the prompt. Clear your thoughts, think about what it is you really want to say and then write the essay. Don't confuse yourself. Analyze what you want to say, what your final decision about the major you are applying to will be and then write the essay in response to the prompt accordingly.
You should eliminate the "I want", "I love", "I hope" phrases. Be confident and try rewording the sentences. So instead of "I love vegetables," say "Vegetables will help me in becoming a healthy person who will...." Take note of vangiespen's advice. It is very important that you pick one major and develop it; explain how UChicago's programs will help you.
I've decided to focus more on the medical field.
I've searched near and far for the school that has programs which reflect some of my personal experiences. I seek for a school to guide me to become a firm individual in this transient-mercurial world.
I plan to study Comparative Human Development for it has captivated me with its range of focus from medical to social issues. I want to understand the diseases which affect individual's personalities and mannerism.
[...]
This is definitely better crafted and more focused than your previous efforts. Now, we just need to make the connection with UChicago throughout your writing. Please revise the essay to make specific reference to the programs that UChicago offers. For example. start your paragraph with "The reason that I am looking forward to attending the University of Chicago is..." or say "While a student at UChicago, I hope to..." maybe even say "UChicago will allow me the opportunity to..." It is important to always reference the university as the specific place where you hope to make these things happen for you because without the reference, this could be a general essay meant for multiple submissions to various universities. You need to work on the placement of those references. Choose what you feel are key points in your essay to make reference to such sentences.
Here's a revision :)
I've searched near and far for the school that has programs which reflect some of my personal experiences. I seek for a school to guide me to become a firm individual in this transient-mercurial world.
My search comes to an end when I met U. Chicago because of its unique programs in the Social Science Division as it covers a wide range of interdisciplinary from biology to society.
[...]
Okay, this essay works for the prompt at this point. I suggest that you now review the essay content and make sure that you are discussing the essay in a paragraph form that follows the flow of discussion that you want for the essay. It seems a bit scattered to me at the moment. I would structure the paragraphs differently if I were the one writing this essay. However, I will leave such an important decision up to you, unless you ask me to step in, because I would not want to accidentally change the theme of your essay. At this point, we just need to tweak the content of the essay to make sure that it can be presented in the best possible manner.
I want to connect my own desires to help individuals and go to a larger scale by helping communities. And then relate it to the major that I chose in U. Chicago, afterwards I'll go through research and internship opportunities which shows my love for U. Chicago's local and global engagement .
Does it make any sense? May i know how you would order it though?
here's the revision.:)
I've searched near and far for a school that has programs that offers ways for students to grow intellectually and socially. A school that considers not only the individuals who comprises the population but also the community it's in.
My search comes to an end when I met U. Chicago because of its unique programs in the Social Science Division as it covers a wide range of interdisciplinary from biology to sociology. Furthermore, you have expanded your community through global engagement as well.
As a student, I plan to study Comparative Human Development it captivated me with its faculty members who come from different backgrounds from sociology to psychology. The University of Chicago's has so many avenues for learning inside and outside the school walls: I want to research in the local and international centers such as the Center for cognitive and social neuroscience or at the Brain Research Imaging Center. I dream to be part of a breakthrough research team with one of the most amazing faculty staff of the University of Chicago like Prof. John Maunsell who has recently launched BRAIN Initiative to study the brain better and understand its functions.
In my stay, I can discover more about the diseases like Asperger syndrome, Dyslexia, and other illnesses which cannot be easily detected in children and in adults. These illnesses affect people's personalities as well as their mannerism which take a toll on their personal and professional lives. I hope to help these individuals as I think of possible solutions through more research.
Aside from thinking of possible resolutions for these illnesses, I want to take on the problems we face in our society: the continuous inequality in race, in gender, and the modern-day caste system (the poor being the untouchables and the rich being the elite) . I desire to find solutions for these problems by further participating in other researches like that of the Study of Race, Politics and Culture. Additionally, I can immerse in different communities in Chicago , in San Francisco, in Chile, or other places through the Metcalf Internship Program.
The unique global and local engagement of the University of Chicago allows me to grow as I learn both in school and in the real world. The interdisciplinary scope of the major will be a great asset as I can help people not only from my country but in other countries as well because of the international opportunities by the school.
Regina, this response has come out as the best version so far. Do you have any more information you want to add to your work before I make any suggestions regarding the chronological order of the paragraphs and necessary grammar corrections? Just let me know if you are ready to work on those aspects so that I can start working on the list of corrections for you. Personally, I believe that you have more than presented your case at this point. It is time to pay attention to grammar editing already.
I'm thinking if I'll change the last paragraph to this : The unique global and local engagement of the University of Chicago allows me to grow as I learn both in school and in the real world. The interdisciplinary scope of the major, as well as the core curriculum will be a great asset as I can use my knowledge from the core and from my concentration to help not only myself by getting in a good job, but also the local and international society.
I want to incorporate the core, as it is part of what has attracted me to the school. Does it make sense??
Other than that there's nothing more to add :)
thanks Louisa
That definitely makes sense Regina. It will bring the essay full circle in terms of responding accurately to the prompt and offers a complete and relevant insight into the way you mind works in determining a future for yourself. I do not believe that it will be conflict with any of the existing paragraphs of the current essay. It will, in my opinion only serve to further strengthen the thoughts and sentiments you present. Go ahead and close with this paragraph. Don't add anything else to the mix. The essay is, in my opinion, as ready as it can be for submission :-)
thank you so much Louisa !!:) a Happy new year!
