Searching for an university that would complement and complete my personality: precise but sharp

Syracuse supplement HELP with a different approach

Hi, please help me edit/ comment this syracuse supplement essay. I fell my approach is a little different but it is nonetheless the truth and I hope I was able to put it in words well. Please drop any help or suggestion you can.

I came across Syracuse's website when I was searching for a university that would complement, and complete my personality: precise but sharp. As I explored the website, I was stunned by how boldly it stated everything: from general statements to impressive facts. It seemed like actually communicating. I felt a connection. Unlike others, it didn't seem like a sales pitch. And as I explored the Whitman school of management, I inferred Syracuse it is.

Whitman provides me more than just a quality education (or does more than provide me a quality education): it completes my personality. Last few years of my life have been disastrous: moving houses, changing schools, and even shifting countries: I have always felt that I don't belong anywhere and am in the wrong place at the right time unable to follow my dreams, execute my plans. I haven't given up so far as I see an end to this struggle at Syracuse: I'd love to live in the close-knitted community, surrounded by ambitious learners, while enrolled in a dual major in Management and Information studies. Not only will the community make me secure and stable, it also perfects/ fulfils my entrepreneurial dreams: I can't wait to have a mentor, use the education, resources, talent and with close proximity to huge companies (nyc area), give future Syracuse website explorers a reason to pursue their dreams. (better ending?) (229 words)

Thankyou.

Hi, I think your approach is great but I think you should add information on specific things about Syracuse, (like teachers you would like to work with) and also maybe show how you would be a significant addition to the community (perhaps clubs you could join).

What is the topic that your supplemental essay wishes to have you represent? Does it have something to do with "Why Syracuse?" Is that the actual prompt you are trying to respond to? Would you care to share what the topic for the supplemental prompt is for a better review of your essay? I think you should tell us what exactly we should be reviewing so that we can better direct your essay towards a relevant response.

As of now, the essay doesn't really deliver any information that can be used by the reviewer in terms of trying to figure out your mindset and what reasons, both academic and social, that led you to this decision. You are basing the essay response on a website search. Was it not possible for you to visit the university so that you can base your response on a personal experience rather than the thoughts and impressions of other people, specifically those who were paid to market the university via the website?

Reflect on your academic pursuits. Talk about the living experience. What criteria did you actually have when you were choosing universities? Tell the reviewer more about your personal criteria and then relate it to how Syracuse fell into the mold you had created. Right now it sounds like you are trying to fit into the mold of the university instead.

@lsouleymanou17
thanks for the reply. for the specific things, I talked about their whole community as a whole and the majors Im interested in. I also mentioned the business resources I'll be able to get. But you're right they seem very generic, so can you help me? if you can give me a hint on how to include it I can go from there. thanks again, and waiting.

@Holt
Hi, thank you for the reply. I'm so sorry I forgot to actually mention the topic: Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?. The short answer to this is that the whole experience at Syracuse (community and business program specifically) seems perfect for me as it completes the shortcomings in my life which I feel are effecting my progress/plans (i talk about my disturbed past in my common app). So can you help me put it better? I'm a little lost here. thanks

The thing is, your application makes it sound like you are looking for social acceptance and a home rather than an academic institution aimed at helping you develop those aspects of your personality for your future life as a graduate. What your essay needs to present more of is an academic inclination to enroll at Syracuse. The mention of specific classes, professors, and training programs that directly tie in with your personal interests and professional ambitions should work well in representing that aspect of your application.

Since you already focused on your personal dilemma in a previous prompt discussion, it is not important to repeat the discussion as you did in this essay. Instead, you should focus on the development of your academic side in relation to what Syracuse has to offer you. This will entail a bit more than just a simple internet search of the website at this point.

If you can actually visit the university in order to get an actual, personal feel of the university and its course presentations along with an immersion into the community, then your response will have the in-depth sense of connection with your academic desires and ambitions. Right now the essay seems very superficial in content. It doesn't really deliver the necessary information as the prompt requires because of your focus on your personal travails. Adjust the focus towards the academic compatibility in order to better represent your reasons for choosing Syracuse.

@Holt
thanks again for replying. can you clarify how can I use their academic programs to portray a sense of belonging (is that right?). You were quite right when you said that I'm looking for acceptance and a home: i want to mention this in the essay because I want to be active and engaging in the society which would in fact be better than home and better than my previous years where it seemed I didn't belong there. So how do you suggest I put that in?

Unfortunately i cant visit it now. I thought the end was good for academic compatibility, no?
Please let me know what you think about these things and if possible with some sort of example. (also i have something a bit personal to add but dont know how, is there anyway i can email you or something? if not, then just ignore it) thanks

Think of the major that you are applying to. What inclined you to opt for that major? I want you to think of academic interests. Which subjects act as a sort of a relaxant for you when you are studying it? Explain that sense of calm that overcomes you while studying those books. Then explain how you would want to expand that sense of calm into a sense of belonging by studying the topic more in-depth with other students belonging to the same major at Syracuse.

From this point, explain how you came to choose Syracuse based mostly upon your realization that like minded people can easily find an accepting home at the university. Talk about how a person in particular from the field of business, a graduate of the school (use Google Search t get a comprehensive list) inspired you to call Syracuse your home for the next 4 years. They did say you could opt to discuss a person or a reason that influenced you to apply at the university. My advice is to use both to show a balance of the way you came to your decision.

@cssaasy

Hi! From my point of view, it is ok to talk about belongingness and warmth that the university can bring you, but maybe in a more specific way. You can mention a certain club or organization in Syracuse that particularly excited you, or some characteristics of the school that makes you feel you should and can be part of it. Instead of talking about general things that all universities have, think and find out what you really want to do in Syracuse and why it is a good fit.

@Holt can you please comment/ edit on this one. Its the same topic, I changed it quite a lot.. Also it's 190/250 words. thanks!
topic: Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?.

I visited Syracuse's website with hopes of finding a university which would not only provide me with a great academic program, but also resources that I can put to use. As I explored the Whitman School of Management, I knew Syracuse would be a perfect for me.

Why so? The management major perfectly suits my business-oriented mindset. The Whitman center provides me resources to grow and develop my business plans: whether it be nourishing my start-up in the student-run incubator, discussing legal issues with a professional legal advisor or connecting with possible VCs. On top of all this, I'd love to live in the close-knitted community, surrounded by ambitious learners which I believe will help me escape my past to become more stable and secure.

All this has not only influenced me to apply to Syracuse, but has also caught me in excitement: I can't wait to be at a place where I feel I belong, to study something which suits my intrinsic interests, to execute my entrepreneurial plans and with close proximity to huge VCs, give future Syracuse website explorers a reason to pursue their dreams. (better ending?)

Watch out for the use of capital letters. The word center in Whitman Center should be capitalized because it is the proper name of a place. That is a standard writing rule. Double check your essay for other possible grammar and sentence structure errors. Now, as for the content, you have room for further discussion development in the second paragraph. Do you have any idea of the kind of business person that you want to be in the future? If you do, then look into the specific programs that Syracuse offers and add that information to the paragraph.

By programs, I mean internships, training sessions, or exchange programs that seem exclusive to the students of the university. That should help to better illustrate what influenced you to apply at Syracuse. Do you know of any notable business alumna from Syracuse whom you consider a role model? Some names that come to mind as notable business graduates of Syracuse are the book marketing executive M. J. Rose, Foursquare co-founder Dennis Crowley, and William J. Brodsky who is the chairman and chief executive officer of the Chicago Board Options Exchange.

Using the names of actual people who came from the university as your inspiration for enrolling shows that you admire the academics and the social aspects of student life at the university. Look into the educational background of these people, note how their university influenced them to become business leaders. Then use that as the inspiration for the response to "Why Syracuse?" That should work better along with your statement about your personal reasons for choosing the university.

Hi,

Your last revision has grown and is better than the first one. I would say that you can try to add one or two things about how you will contribute to Syracuse University. When you say you want to take part in traditions or join XYZ program, activity, etc. at Syracuse you can talk about one of your acitivties you have been involved in during high school. This way the reader knows that you took action in high school and you will build upon your experiences at Syracuse,

@Holt @mualla
Thank you for your feedback again - it really helped me think deep and now aftering exploring their web so much, I have a completely different version. Hope you can further help :)

1. Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?
Main ponits I covered: The program, passion for aerospace/ space exploration/ entrepreneurial mindset/ research/ (Eileen Collins: first female pilot/commander of a Space Shuttle and SU graduate. I want to know if it should be added and how.)

I visited Syracuse's website with hopes of finding a university which would not only offer me a major reflecting my passion, but also resources in research and experimentation. When I discovered the aerospace engineering major, I immediately became interested. As I discovered the possibility of a 3-2 Engineering-MBA program, which perfectly suited my entrepreneurial ambitions, I knew Syracuse would be a perfect fit for me.

My parents tell me they discovered an engineer in me very early on: I would break open any new toy to see how it worked. I was not enticed by the flashy exterior of a new RC car as much as I was by pull-back mechanism that allowed it to zoom forward. I would examine batteries and mull over the movement of rockets as they took off vertically, leaving the earth's orbit with apparent ease.

I was a natural explorer and an avid learner.
High school gave me the opportunity to refine my passion even more. I participated, won, and lost, several design/ engineering competitions mainly focusing on extraterrestrial exploration. Every proposal I worked on has further developed my interests in aerospace and interplanetary exploration.

The amazing research opportunities at Syracuse are a huge deal for me. The possibility of studying propulsion systems, researching on the next (space rocket) while my startup gets nourished in the Couri-Hachery, not only influenced me to apply, but made me realize that my journey has just begun: space is vast, and I've barely scratched its surface.

2. Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this?
I feel this one is quite to the point but is it redundant with the last essay? Need help!

I dream of becoming an innovator in aerospace exploration.
High school introduced me to this novel field. In the company of great peers, led by natural curiosity, it didn't take me long to exhaust all resources to develop this new interest. Every project I worked on only made me more curious to explore and eager to learn more and more. However, now I feel I've reached a plateau, possible because of two important factors: firstly, I lack the formal education crucial for anyone wanting to be the best. (And I can only go so far with self-education). Secondly, resources are what puts knowledge in perspective. Without any mentors or professors to talk to, labs to work in or dedicated support to rely on, my dream seems just like an illusion.

Syracuse addresses all of these issues. I have yet to find any other university offering me such a breadth of topics within the Aerospace engineering major: let it be a course on basic aerodynamics or space flight. While this will give me the knowledge I need, the dedicated dynamics and control systems research department will allow me to explore new theories under experienced professors. While I will develop my flight skills in the 622i, the Couri-Hatchery will help me bring my plans to life. And to top it off, the amazing community at Syracuse will not only help me escape my distrubed past, but make me the best version of myself paving my path to be the (next El on Mu sk.)@mualla

As per forum rules, you have to post a new thread for every new essay that you want reviewed. Since the first question is related to the previous threads, I will be responding only to that topic in this post. You will have to post the 2nd essay in a totally new thread as indicated in the forum rules. I suggest you do this because when the admin sees that you have 2 essays in one thread, they will immediately delete the 2nd new essay with a reminder of that rule. Please follow all the forum rules pertaining to posting in threads because you risk being suspended when you violate that rule.

Now, back to the topic of your first essay. You should have mentioned the astronaut who graduated from Syracuse and her influence on you. That is because the essay is asking you about who or what influenced you to pick their institution. The focus of the essay should be on that influence. The story about your early interest in engineering has no place in this essay.

The story of Eileen Collins would present the best line of response to the essay because of the who and why factors. Who would be Eileen Collins and the why is because she is a historical name in the field of aeronautic engineering. The simple 2 paragraph essay will more than be sufficient in providing the proper response to the prompt.