"secretary Luisa" - Short Answer

Should I take out the Luisa part; is it too much? Give me all the feedback you have!

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

The Double Discovery Center is an academic enrichment, TRIO program located at Columbia University that offers additional resources to low-income, first-generation college-bound students in New York City. Since I began high school, DDC has provided me with access to college-level classes and paid internships in other programs. The main agenda DDC pushes besides academics is open-mindedness to different cultures; hence, my full paid trip to Germany. In Germany, I had the opportunity with fellow students to witness famous historical sites, which I have only known about through European history textbooks. That same summer, I took a Neuroscience and Behavior class, which sparked my interest in becoming a psychiatrist. At DDC, I have met many distinctive people, including inspirational mentors, whom have guided me through both educational and personal hardships. The office of the Double Discovery Center is a welcoming place crowded with familiar students, which is why I consider it a second home.

well,, i suppose you aren't answering the question to the point.. just focus on what you have done, don't waste your precious words(word limit being just 150) in describing what DDC is or what has it provided it to you. and yes, i think the luisa part should be omitted.

i dnt think thats answering the question.what do you do in this DDC. and how has it helped you grow as a person. honeslty, all that is a bit confusing...doesnt answer the question.

This doesn't really answer the prompt, which asks you to elaborate on one of your ACTIVITIES. I doubt that includes one of the things you've done. I changed some of the wordings around mainly because...for example, I didn't think you were trying to say that the students were evoking a sense of intimacy so I moved that misplaced modifier. Also, WHO not WHOM.

To be rather frank, this short answer doesn't do a very good job of elaborating YOU, which is what the admissions officers are looking for. They want to know you, not know what you've done. This is just an explanation of a program (of a specific university, which kind of ruins it for any other colleges you are applying for) and finishes off with a rather cliched sentiments about a "second home."

I would rewrite the whole thing with a new topic.

I love how your essay is so interesting and straightforward, yet very honest and original. Great work! There's just a few little grammar tidbits I'd suggest:

"The Double Discovery Center is an academic enrichment, TRIO program "
I would either reword or shorten this part of the sentence, because technically you can't separate the "academic enrichmen" and "TRIO" with a comma. Since you haven't defined what a "TRIO" program is, I think it's sound to just take out the ", TRIO" part and leave "academic enrichment". You still get the point across.

"The main agenda DDC pushes besides academics is open-mindedness to different cultures; hence, my full paid trip to Germany."

I'd change this to:
"In addition to an emphasis on academics, the DDC also promotes open-mindedness to different cultures. The program provided me with a fully paid trip to Germany."

Something like that. A semicolon is meant to join two complete ideas together. "Hence, my full paid trip to Germany." wouldn't be a correct full sentence by itself.

"In Germany, students and I had the opportunity with fellow students to witness famous historical sites, which I havehad only known about through European history textbooks."

"It is a welcoming place, where; as soon as I enter, I am greeted with a "H ello Remmy, how are you doing today?" by the kindhearted secretary, Luisa."

Good luck!

i cant relate these two sentences. the second part expecially, it seems as if it has a grammatical error. and u should try to write TRIO out once, at least once

Good essay, yes i think you can take out luisa, but u can leave the " her remmy how are you doing?" part.


u dont need "with fellow students" , it complicated the sentence


visiting historical sites is very good, and u can learn alot . but if u have any other experience to replace it with it would be better, you should look for something unique and catchy, because everyone visits historical sites. and it can be guessed that if u went to germany u have probably visited the historical sites

good job!