"see me dancing everywhere" - tell us about yourself short essay

Hi,
I am an international student from Czech Republic and I need your help with my essay. I am applying for college preparatory boarding school. This is my short essay (100-200 words), topic is "Tell us about yourself and why would you like to become a part of our school family." Thank you :)

You can see me dancing everywhere - at dance studio, in my room or even at a bus stop. Music is my love and dance is my passion, my way how to express myself. But my purpose is to help others.

My father left my mother and me when I was only 2 years old. That is why I began to teach children who have had a worse childhood than I - children without family or parents, children living in foster homes. Although I teach them about Mathematics and English, I want to help them with more than their education. I believe that the most important thing is to help them discover what I discovered: if you do everything in your power you can achieve anything.

My dream is to work as an ambassador for UN. I am really interested in international affairs and I believe that this is the way how to change something, how to help people and do important things for the world grew. Your school can help me to get better education than I could ever get in the Czech Republic. Your school can help me to prepare for university and change my future and then, I hope, I will be able to change also future of other people.

ok now the main problem i see with this is that you have almost completely ignored the second part of the topic: why would you like to become a part of our school family. when a college asks you a question like that, you should do some research on the college and tell them what do you can find in that college which cannot be found in other colleges.. in short be specific about what attracts you to that particular college... writing all about yourself throughout the essay and finally squeezing a line about how you hope to get a good education there ain't gonna do it... first tell about your self and then about half way through connect it to how you think that college will help you in achieving your goal... it says "part of our school family" so i'm guessing that it's a college with a good community spirit? if so it'd be better if you can include something which relates to that...

other than there are a few language problems you should correct... good luck!

I dont really think its grammatically acceptable to start a sentence with 'but'- 'But my purpose is to help others.' You can aswell use more appropriate transitional signs, like 'however.' :)

Great advice here! Also, I think the essay will be improved if a perfect thesis statement is added to the end of the first paragraph. Add one profound sentence that expresses the main truth of the whole essay.

My dream is to work as an ambassador for UN. ---This is incomplete. To work in that position is not the point. It is something you can accomplish in that position. Show that you are already reading about what the ambassador is doing, and show that you spend your free time pursuing this interest. Cite an article or book.

:-)