I am applying to UF for the fall semester of 2011 and just wrote my admission essay. If you could point out areas where i could improve it or correct any mistakes that would be greatly appreciated Thanks,
David
Here it is: "All I could smell was gasoline fumes all throughout the house and my mom's car was gone. It was January 14, 2006 and my dad, brother and I had just come home from my grandparent's house. Right away we all knew something was very wrong. My mom was missing. She had a severe form of depression and she hadn't been feeling well the past couple months. Later that night, the Hillsborough county sheriff's department called the house asking to speak with my dad; at that moment I knew that she was gone.
That night my mother committed suicide, and even though she may be gone, the things she taught me will forever stay with me. She instilled honesty, integrity, responsibility, diligence, a love of life and so much more. Even though my mother had severe depression, she always looked at the glass half full instead of half empty; I have always tried to do the same. All the values she has taught me will be what carry me through college. I am hard working in every aspect of my life, whether I am at basketball practice, serving the community, working at Chick-fil-A, or studying for a test. Another value is integrity. I take pride in my grades and the fact that I achieved that I achieved them honestly. Cheating is just NOT an option. I am also one to take full responsibility for my actions, good or bad. There was one instance where I was in a service club and I didn't know we had to fill out a pre-approval form before every community service project. Because of this, I wasn't able to receive the hours I had done. I was mad at myself, but it taught me to always ask questions and never to assume something would be taken care of. College will be the first time I have to live by myself and keep track of my schedule, deadlines, and money, but I think I will strive in these areas because of what I have learned so far in life and my thirst for knowledge.
My life motto is a Latin phrase, carpe diem, which means "seize the day." I learned the hard way that life is too short, so every day I try to live it like it would be my last. I try to make sure that if I died today, people would remember me as an honest, decent, fun person. I believe I am ready for the challenge of college, especially the University of Florida. I want to build a legacy and what better place to do that at than UF, a school known for its excellence and heritage."
...department called the house asking to speak with my dad=>called AND ASKED to speak
...and even though she may be gone, the things she taught me will forever stay with me(SHE'S ALREADY GONE, NOT MAY BE, BUT FOR SURE)=>ALTHOUGH she HAD gone, BUT THE LESSON THAT she taught me WOULD forever stay with me
...She instilled honesty, integrity, responsibility, diligence, a love of life and so much more, PARALELL STRUCTURE =>"A LOVE OF LIFE" CHANGE TO SOMETHING ELSE, NOT "A"
...All the values she has taught me will be what carry me through college=>ALL THE VALUABLE LESSONS(...) you mean that you only learn her strong characteristic through college, not for the rest of your life? YOU NEED TO REPHARSE THIS SENTENCE, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE
...I am hard working in every aspect of my life=>I WORK HARD IN...
...Another value is integrity. I take pride in my grades and the fact that I achieved that I achieved them honestly
... Another value is integrity.(I THINK YOU SHOLD WORK MORE ON THIS SENTENCE)...I TAKE PRIDE OF MY GRADES AND ACHIEVED THEM HONESTLY
...Another value is integrity. I take pride in my grades and the fact that I achieved that I achieved them honestly. Cheating is just NOT an option.(SORRY, I'M STILL THINKING HOW TO MAKE THIS SENTENCE BETTER)
...I am also one to take full responsibility for my actions, good or bad. There was one instance...=>I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY NO MATTER HOW BAD IT IS, FOR INSTANCE, WHEN I WAS...
project. Because of this, I...=>PROJECT. THEREFORE, I...
...College will be the first time I have to live by myself and keep track of my schedule...=>GOING TO COLLEGE I HAVE TO LIVE BY MYSELF...
...schedule, deadlines, and money...(DON'T USE MONEY, USE FINANCE OR SIMILAR)
...I learned the hard way that life is too short, so every day I try to live it like it would be my last...(THIS SENTENCE IS TOO GENERAL)
SORRY, I'M NOT GOOD AT REVISING, THOSE ARE JUST MY IDEAS
All the values she has taught me will be what carry me through college.
Very wise. I guess wisdom comes from painful experience. You reminded me of a book called No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh. I think you should search for it! :-)
I'll show you where to add some commas for compound sentences. Put commas before the word "and."
"All I could smell was gasoline fumes all throughout the house, and my mom's car was gone. It was January 14, 2006, and my dad, brother and I had just come home from my grandparent's house. Right away we all knew something was very wrong. My mom was missing. She had a severe form of depression, and she hadn't been feeling well the past couple months. ---- see the new commas?
Because of your personal philosophy, I think you would like the work of Kant. Google around about Kant and the term "categorical imperative," and I think you may be able to add substance to your essay by citing him, because your moral philosophy is like his.
