Hi there! This is a self-introduction essay for scholarship. I'm not a native speaker so maybe some sentences structure looks weird. Please leave some comments and correction for this. Thanks for the help!
First of all, I would like to express my appreciation for this opportunity to apply for this scholarship.
My name is Noe, a 19 years old girl from a developing third world country, Malaysia. There are four members in my family: my father, mother, younger brother and me. My father is a decoration worker while my mother is a house wife. My brother is a form4 student studying in a high school and I will be the first in my family to go to the university. I had graduated from a five-year secondary education system at Mount Austin High School in my country after earning my SPM certificate (equivalent with O level). Currently, I am taking a one and half year STPM course (equivalent with A level) and will graduate in this year end.
Malaysia is a multi-ethnic country with three major ethnic groups: Malay, Chinese, and Indian. Living in this multicultural society makes me learn to tolerate and accept the difference in religion and cultural between one and others. As a Malaysian, I could speak 3 languages fluently, which is English, Mandarin and Malay. My proficiency in English is proven in the MUET exam (Malaysian University English Test) where I got band 4 in the test. Mandarin is my mother tongue. I studied at Foon Yew 5 Primary School in Malaysia at 2007. It is a Chinese primary school covered around of the Chinese atmosphere. The first language to use of communication in the school is Mandarin, then English and Malay. After finishing my primary education, I attended Mount Austin high school which use English and Malay as the main instruction. Knowing more than one language enable me to have a better communication with foreigners. I strongly believe that this language advantages will promote international cultural and academic exchange in the university.
I had perform well in both academics and co-curricular activities throughout my school life. I scored a straight A's in government Primary School Evaluation Test ,UPSR in my primary school. Besides, I had also maintain my academic standing in my secondary school. I was able to get straight A's in government examination of PMR (Lower Secondary Assessment) and SPM (Malaysian Certificate of Education). I am always one of the top student in the class. For my outstanding achievements, I was awarded a scholarship to study AUSMAT in Sunway University but I refused it. The reason is I wish to further my study in public universities which would save me a lot of cost, but AUSMAT is not accepted in public universities.
As a saying goes, "All works and no play makes Jack a dull boy", and I was never a "dull boy". I had hold the post of class monitor for two years and always a teacher's right-hand man in the school. I had also involved myself in many activities of different society and clubs. I was chosen to be the vice-president of Koperasi Club in year 2010 and 2011. "Koperasi" is a Malay word meaning a store in the school that used to sell some stationary and books to the students. There is a duty table where every member of the club has to take turn to keep the shop. As one of the board of director, we had held a lot of activities such as selling handmade paper flowers on teacher's day. From these activities, I gained the skill to run a business and this also helps to develop my soft skills which will never be teach within four corners of the classroom. Besides, I am also a registered scout under Johor Scouts Association. Involving myself in the scout activities like marching and camp makes me a discipline and independent person.
Throughout my high school career, I have been an active member in cheer squad. I joined the squad for 3 year in secondary school and I was chosen as the leader in 2010. When the time I being a leader, I had met a lot of obstacles. The thing that troubling me the most was there is only a little time for us to learn the dance step before sports day and there is not enough time for us to practice. I had settled this problem by recording a dance step tutorial for my members, so that they could learn it at home. We also stay back in the school for rehearsal. Since the dance step has been learned at home, we could use the limited stay back time for other practices such as arrange the team patterns and perform skillful and difficult actions without wasting the time to train individually. At last, we were able to make the whole things perfect before the cheerleading competition and finally won a first place. The most value things I learned in this activity is the importance of teamwork. Many of the moves are so difficult that it requires teamwork just to pull them off. If the action are not consistent, one might get injured. We learned to trust on each other and work as a team. Cheerleading also develop my leadership skills. As a leader, I had persuaded my members to follow me by proving my ability such as the way in handling problems, good communication skills and so on.
I never dream to further my study overseas since it will definitely cost a lot. However, this fully-fund scholarship provide me a golden opportunity to study at Korea without any concern about money. Once I know about this scholarship, I start to search for the information of the higher education in Korea, and I found that the quality of education in Korea is one of the best among Asia and even the world. Many of the Korea universities have a long history, high reputation and equipped with modern teaching aids and laboratory. Korea is also a developed countries which have advanced in their technology compared to other Asian countries in the development of technology. This can be seen by the success of Samsung and LG. I believe that study in Korea will give me an edge over others in the workforce. Korea undoubtedly provides the perfect breeding ground for high-tech and creative fields. As a newly industrialized country, Malaysia is now banking on technology and professionals to achieve its ambitious goal of attaining high-income status by 2020. In future, I wish to do my bit in advancing the development of chemical industry in Malaysia. I believe that study in Korea will enable me to piggyback onto developed technology and contribute for the development of my country. Apart from that, I would also like to make contribution to the field of research and development for these two countries using my educational experience and skills. . I am very much sure that I can contribute extremely well in the scientific research and development in Korea with my improved knowledge after study here if I am given the opportunity.
You wrote it far much better than I did. But I do think that your starting should be a little bit creative. The starting of your essay seems like " My family " essay .
Hello, I can help you with some of your essay.
You should state "19 year old". You explain that your father is a decoration worker. Would you like to say designer? There are some slight errors: "go to a university" and "I graduated". The last sentence you could state "one and a half year" and "graduate at the end of the year"
2nd paragraph: Here are some minor changes "different religions and cultures of others" and "can speak three languages fluently". When you discuss your band score, change got to "received" and state "on the test".
These are more changes needed: "in 2007", I'm unsure about covered around the Chinese atmosphere. The next sentence change of communication to "to communicate".Other changes that can be made are:
-"has enabled me to have better communication with foreigners."
-"these language advantages will promote international, cultural, and academic exchange at the university."
I hope this helps you!
@Evelyn, I'll take it a couple of paragraphs at a time so that we can focus.
- My name is Noe,
a 19 years old girl from a developing third world country,I'm 19 years of age from Malaysia.
(I'm not confident in saying that Malaysia is a 3rd world developing country, it will not help your application)
- There are four
membersof us in my family :, my father, mother,...
- ...is an
decoration workerinterior designer while my mother is a house wife.
- ...and will graduate by the end of
in this year end .
- The first language to use
Well, not bad for the first two paragraphs, I hope you follow through and I'll get back to you for the next ones.
had performed well in...
- I scored
a straight A's in...
- As a saying goes, "All work
- I had hold the post of class monitor( what does a "class monitor" do) for
hadwas also involved myself in many...
- ...we had
held a lot of activities...
- ...will never be
teachtaught within four corners of the classroom.
- ...camp makes me a disciplined and...
Following the remarks I made, I hope you will be able to follow thru.
There's a lot of improvement in the later part of your essay, specially when it comes to grammar and sentence construction and this is very good.
I will try to do the last few parts of the essay as soon as I can.
This is the last part, then you will be able to re- write your essay with the remarks and inputs from you EF help.
- ...I have been an active member
inof the cheering squad.
When theDuring my time...
I beinga a leader,
had met a lot of obstacles.
- The thing thats troubling...
- Since the dance steps has...
- ... the limited
stay back time for other practices..
- ...such as
arrangearranging the team patterns..
- The most valueable thing
s I learned in...
- Cheerleading also developed my leadership skills.
- ...members to follow
me bymy lead and proving..
-... my ability in such a
s the way..
- I never dream to further my study overseas
- However, this fully-funded scholarship provide...
- ...me a golden opportunity to study
Once I know aboutwhen I knew about this scholarship,
- I started to search for the information...
- Apart from that, I would also like to make a contribution...
I am very muchI'm sure that I can contribute extremely...
- ...knowledge after studying
here ifshould I ambe given the opportunity.
Overall, your essay is quiet tricky, challenging and I must say "Good Job", as English is not your mother tongue, you were still able to come up with a very interesting essay for this scholarship application.
I personally wish you the best of luck.