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Self introduction essay for World friends Korea Coodinator


bamba 1 / -  
Feb 25, 2016   #1
Hi everyone! it's my first Self introduction essay. I wanna apply for World friends Korea even my English is not very well. World friends Korea is a kind of agency doing international development cooperation. please help me to perfect my essay. I'm waiting for your assist :) Thank you so much!

Self introduction essay

1. Background

I was born in a small but historical and beautiful city called Gyoungju. For twenty years, I grew up as a typical Korean student in my hometown. Since twenty years old, I lived in Busan, the second biggest in Korea, for my bachelor degree of Marine bio-materials and Aqua culture. A year later, I fulfilled the mandatory military service in ROKMC (Republic Of Korea Marine Corps) for about two years and went to Senegal as a volunteer through KOICA. I led a very impressive life in small rural area Fatick for a year. After that, I returned to Korea and university. Part-time job is necessary for my university life. At that time, I had no choice but to do it to earn my living. That experience was really helpful to me, though it was quite hard. In my last semester, my little dream which is studying foreign country came true. Studying in Latvia with friends from all over the world was one of the happiest part of my day. I graduated last summer.


2. Character

When I was child, my family was having a financial difficulty. For this reason there was little to get some playthings for me. However, a globe and a soccer ball were my only things to play. I naturally got to know and had curiosity about various countries by looking and turning the glove every day. Maybe the curiosity of the time about the world makes me what I am. Meeting people who has different culture, religion and language is really exciting to me.

I had many chance to learn about cooperation harmony with team mates by playing soccer. Surely, I was in good physical health and now I am. Staying fit is always my most important aim in life so I work out day after day in the fitness center. So I am full of lively.

At the service military as a big life-changing moment I realized that I can do everything if I do my best because looking at myself who accomplish the apparently impossible.

3. Experiences

My life motto is 'Do everything I can before I die'. So I have tried to experience new thing and I will. A volume of part-time job experience is my strength. I worked for university office, a laboratory, a café, a convenience store, a restaurant and public institution such as Korea National Park Authority, Bank of Korea,

Definitely, my biggest experience is a year in Senegal as a volunteer. I helped and taught uneducated fishermen to manage a fish farm also searched right place for making a new aquafarm with ANA (Agence Nationale de l'Aquaculture). But the important thing was that I became aware of the real world full of starvation, poverty and disease

Another memorable thing is studying as an exchange student in Latvia. Latvia is member of European Union and the former Soviet Union. Due to these characteristic, there are many students from the former Soviet Union countries like Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Georgia and students of entire European countries. Moreover, I could meet and carry out cultural exchange with African students and south Asian students.

4. Motive & Ambition

As mentioned earlier, I have lived in poverty. When I was young, I hated extreme poverty and sometimes blamed my parents although I am trying to get over the poverty by earning money myself for now. Senegalese's life style, for example, living happy day in severe condition made me ashamed. Since then, I would like to help them whenever they come on the media. I want to make the world better place to live. I don't know I can change the world after decades later but I would like to devote my life to help developing country and make the world better place.
moniquebedo 1 / 2 2  
Feb 25, 2016   #2
I tried to fix problems in first paragraph:

Since twenty years old, I lived in Busan, the second biggest city in Korea, for my bachelor degree of Marine bio-materials and Aquaculture . This part is confusing, looks like you wanted start a senstence but did not finish it, may be you can say:

where I studied my bachelor degree in Marine bio-materials and Aquaculture.

A year later, I fulfilled the mandatory military service in ROKMC (Republic Of Korea Marine Corps) for about two years and ,then went to Senegal as a volunteer through KOICA. I led a very impressive life in small rural area Fatick for a yearWhere I lived in an small rural areacould be interesting if you write about what you did there, wath kind of volunteer work

After that, I returned to Korea and [...] my day. I graduated last summer.

you can say

Once I returned to Korea I started University and got a part time job to paid for my studies and life. This was really heplful for me, even when studing and working was not easy I grew up as a personal and professional. In my last semester, my dream of styding in a foreign country become true and I studied in Latvia, with friends from all over the world, one of the best parts of my life.

ĄGood luck!
Crystal812 23 / 55 11  
Feb 25, 2016   #3
Hi, bamba,

Here come some suggestions:

1.background
You say "That experience was really helpful to me, though it was quite hard". I am wondering why, and I want to know more about this experience. And what kind of time did you spend in Latvia?

2.character
The first paragraph is less concentrated. You want to say you have curiosity, just say it directly.

3.experiences
'Do everything I can before I die', I don't know if you are citing somebody's word. I go to Google+ and cannot find this kind of expression. I love a song called "chandelier". There is a lyric. I guess it's better for you to say "you are gonna to live like tomorrow doesn't exist".

--------------------------------------------------------------

1. Background

Since I was twenty years old, I lived in Busan, the second biggest city in Korea, for my bachelor ...
... went to Senegal as a volunteer through KOICA (???what is this).
After that, I returned to Korea and university (why "return"? Fatick is in Korea, right?).

... my little dream which is studying in foreign country came true.

2. Character

For this reason it is hard to get some playthings for me. So a globe and a soccer ...
I naturally wanted to know and was curious about [...] turning the globe every day.

... I realized that I can do everything if I do my best because looking at myself who accomplish the apparently impossible (?????).

3. Experiences

So I have tried to experience new things and I will.

But the (most) important thing was that ...
Latvia is a member of European Union ...
... Georgia and students from entire European countries.

4. Motive & Ambition

... living happy day in severe condition made me ashamed (why?)
I want to make the world better place to live in . I don't know if I can change the world after decades later but I would [...] help developing countries and make the world a better place.


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