Question: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer).
Essay:
During the summer after my freshman year, I took a Semester Course of Web Development/Designing in India. Since then, my passion for Computer Science greatly increased. My biggest leap into the Computer Science field occurred during my Junior Year when I got a job as a Web Designer/Developer for a startup company. Every day, as I step into the office building, I sense the change in environment. The assignments I am given have strict deadlines and expect more of me than my usual schoolwork. However, these are what motivate me to work harder and complete the tasks. As a result, I gained more responsibility because it is my job to finish the work I am given. I would sit in front of my laptop, either typing up code or designing an image, as my boss gave me instructions and assignments. In the end, all this work has helped me gain a sense of the real world.
java4u,
My comment on your essay will be described as follow.
First of all, for the word limitation, I might skip irrelevant information and detail more catch-the-attention ones in your article. For example, I would jump to "during my junior year, I worked as a web designer..." directily without the introduction you've written. Consequently, I will be able to elabrate either the content of this job or what it influences me.
Secondly, I don't understant what you tried to express in certain sentences. For example, "My biggest leap into the Computer Science field occurred during my Junior Year when I got a job as a Web Designer/Developer for a startup company." Did you mean that working as a web designer during your junior year intrigue you, so that you devote yourself to computer science field?
Thirdly, you need to express your more coherently. For instance, "The assignments I am given have strict deadlines and expect more of me than my usual schoolwork. However, these are what motivate me to work harder and complete the tasks. As a result, I gained more responsibility because it is my job to finish the work I am given." -->There is no emphatical connetions between the three sentences, and it easy to confuse people. Read sentence followed to see if it is easier for people to get the idea. " I don't I have been asked to finish assignments with strict deadline which trained me to be more responsible."
Best regards,
Aleaf
Jung-Jung Sun
Great, thoughtful feedback! Thanks!
I think you should not capitalize here:
...during my junior year, when I got...
Keep the verb tense consistent:
As a result, I gained more responsibility because it was my job to finish the work I was given.
:-)
