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Senior Prefect and House Vice-captain; SMU essay- need help in editing it.



mallikahirwani 1 / -  
Dec 2, 2008   #1
The topic is: In not more than 300 words, list and describe highlight of your three most valuable achievements, contributions and experience in context of three activities...

Please help me to edit my essay. It is exactly coming to 300 words!

Walking down the last eighteen years of my life, I reminisce over several momentous experiences...
Every time I walk into the gates of school or see a glimpse of the school crest, I am stitched to loyalty and integrity... Elected Senior Prefect and House Vice-captain of my school, I have matured in my responsibilities and commitment to work. Obtaining this position, my leadership skills have been honed. My tenure has been a learning experience. Today, I feel enriched...

Eight strenuous hours. 11960 feet above sea level. Trembling knees. An unquenchable thirst. A breath-taking view- the least of what I remember from my trek to Sandakphu, the highest point in West Bengal. It was only during this trek, that I encountered "endurance". Having lived a sheltered urban life, I was never acquainted with living in such harsh conditions, without basic amenities. It changed my perspective towards life. It has made me stronger. I now believe that I have strength to battle adversities and emerge triumphant in any circumstance. The trek has been an enlightening achievement, and I received the Silver Standard for the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme. Today, I feel victorious...

An act of friendship may not revolutionize the path of history, but if it touches someone's heart, it's worth every moment. This is what I learnt while interacting with the "differently abled" children of a rehabilitation centre, through the Interact club of my school. Seeing the innocent smile and laughter gleaming through each child's eyes, as I play with them every week, I feel content. Happiness lies in each one of us. We have the power to spread it. I met my greatest achievement. Today, I feel satisfied...

Each of these achievements has been an experience in itself. They have sculpted me to become the person I am today.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Dec 2, 2008   #2
Looking back,over the last eighteen years of my life,...

Each time I pass through the gates of school or see a glimpse of the school crest,...

Eight strenuous hours, 11,960 feet above sea level... with trembling knees and an unquenchable thirst, I made my trek to Sandakphu, the highest point in West Bengal, with its breathtaking view.

It was during this trek, that I learned the true meaning of the word "endurance".

This is what I learned while interacting with the "differently abled" children of a rehabilitation center , ...

I have met some of my greatest achievements.

Seeing the innocent smiles and laughter gleaming through...

:)
Kevin
mbhaire 7 / 17  
Dec 8, 2008   #3
I think for your last point, it should be something like, "Today, I feel empowered..." satisfied just doesnt have that strong connotation that youre trying to convey. other than that, look through your tenses. You switch tense quite often and it's a bit confusing.


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