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"serving others can change your life" - Presbyterian College Essay.



shelbyesteward /  
Sep 24, 2010   #1
Presbyterian College's motto is Dum Vivimus Servimus "While we live, we serve." Explain what Dum Vivimus Servimus means to you using specific examples from your life.

(The school also has the phrase "take it on" all over their website so I thought I would add that in)

Service has an unexpected way of giving us an enlightened perspective on life. After having to find somewhere to serve to fulfill National Honor Society tutoring requirements, I discovered that serving others can change your life and lead you to look at the world from a whole different perspective.

Only seven minutes away from my school, there is trailer that is the headquarters for the Eatonville Boys and Girls Club. This is safe place for underprivileged elementary children to go to after school while their parents are either at work or are just unable to care for them. During March of 2010, my friend and I were searching for a place to complete our required hours and it seemed like the perfect place to do it. Our first reaction to going was hesitation. We were on a whole different side of town and it felt more like a duty we had to carry out than something we wanted to do.

As we began to go back week after week, we built relationships with the children. Our time of working on math problems and English worksheets became more of a chance for them to express their feelings to people who actually wanted to listen. Although we were only there for a little over an hour each week, the stories, struggles and tragedies that flowed out of the children's mouths astounded me. They each had such strength and happiness that I couldn't even comprehend having if I had been in their situations. The bonds we built with the children made such an impact on us that going and spending an hour with them began to feel more like a blessing than a duty.

After this experience, my outlook on service has been forever changed. I now realize that service provides us the chance to see things from a whole new perspective and teach us things that other situations never could. As more service opportunities come my way in college and during my adult life, I will choose to TAKE IT ON, having learned how much I will gain from having served.

mea505 - / 265  
Sep 24, 2010   #2
The school also has the phrase "take it on" all over their website so I thought I would add that in

I read your essay, Shelby. It reads quite well. I made a few corrections for you, however.

Only seven minutes away from my school, there is a trailer that is the headquarters for the Eatonville Boys and Girls Club.
This is a safe place for underprivileged elementary children to go to after school while their parents are either at work or are just unable to care for them

--> Third paragraph, second sentence: This sentence does not make any sense, and I was afraid to try to make some sense out of it, as I have no idea what it is you are trying to say. This sentence need to be re-worked.

--> Otherwise, the essay sounds pretty good. I would make the changes I have indicated above. Good luck with the essay!

Mark :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Sep 27, 2010   #3
Service has an unexpected way of giving us an enlightened perspective on life. After having to find somewhere to serve to fulfill National Honor Society tutoring requirements, I discovered that serving others can change your life and lead you to look at the world from a whole different perspective.

Right here, I wish you would add one more sentence before ending the paragraph. It needs a sentence to introduce the main idea you are going to describe. You introduce the idea that service can enhance perspective, but I think you can add a sentence that says specifically what mechanism or phenomenon causes service to lend perspective. Give the memorable "message to the reader" before ending that first para.

:-)


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