'severe case of asthma' - UC personal statment about my world in which I grew up

Hi, I'm looking for any editing and comments for my UC personal statement #1. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

PROMPT: Describe the world you come-for example, your family community or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

For most of my early childhood I had been bound to my two bedroom apartment in downtown San Jose. I grew up having a severe case of asthma which prevented me from running around playing tag with the rest of the kids. So while the neighborhood kids ran about I hoped for a way to get out.

My seventh birthday opened that door for me. After my party I opened all the gifts and a dainty box in the middle of the pile caught my eye. It was a puzzle of a mountain, I immediately ripped open the plastic and began making it. As I put the pieces together I see the distant green trees, and the river running from the top of the mountain. I had climbed the top and realized I didn't have to leave my house to see what was outside. As the years went on, I built bigger and bigger puzzles and explored more places. As I got older I was able to get over my asthma and start more physical activates, but my passion for puzzles didn't die.

There's something about making puzzles that I can't live without. The early stages of making a puzzles, especially the bigger ones, are painful. Carefully sorting out over a 1000 pieces the size of a dime by color is no easy task. But once the pieces start falling in place, the satisfaction I get is unparalleled to any game I can play outdoors. There are several different ways to start a puzzle: build the border and work your way in, focus on a specific object and build around it and so on. It's this planning that goes into the puzzle that I love, and this passion that I found when I started coding.

The same sort of planning goes into making a program. I've only started with html, which is used to make websites, but I get the same feeling that get when I make puzzles. Making a website is not a chore but rather a reward I get for all the hard work I put into making it, the beginning is just separate lines of code but once I put them together they form a beautiful picture.

I will help you with some of your essay. Although it was interesting to read how you connect solving puzzles to making a program, I think you could add a few more sentences or a paragraph about your dreams and aspiration, which seems to be a computer programmer. You leave the reader wanting more details about your dreams.

Here are a few corrections for each paragraph:

Paragraph 1: There is only a slight change for the beginning of this sentence. "For most of my early childhood I was confined..."

The next sentence, place "and" before playing. The following sentence, place a comma after "about".

Paragraph 2: There are some missing commas in your essay. This is a sentence that needs a comma before "I".

"As I put the pieces together, I saw the distant green trees and the river running from the top of the mountain."

The last sentence needs a comma before "I". "As I got older, I was..."

Paragraph 3: "making puzzles"

I would replace and so on with "etc".

Paragraph 4: Here is a suggestion for part of the second sentence: "...but I get that same feeling when I make puzzles". Place a comma after code.

- SoW hile the neighborhood kids ran...
- ...what wasis outside.
- As the years went onby ,..
- more physical activatesactivities ( be carfeull with misspelled words as they can have a totally different meaning to the sentence) , but...
- The early stages of making a puzzles,..
- Carefully sorting out over a 1000 pieces, ( punctuation marks are also essential part of your sentence) the size of a dime, by color is no easy task.

- But( it's not advisable to start your sentence with a negative "but")O nce the pieces..
- start falling into place,

I believe coding is more difficult than forming a puzzle, the only similarity that I can think of doing this two things is that they give a great deal of satisfaction as soon as it's done, when the puzzle is formed and when your coded program starts running.

Overall, very minor remarks on your essay, however I suggest that you add a few more sentences which signifies a complete cause and effect in battling asthma attacks. Good luck!!!

Hi i made the revisions as well as added some of the suggested information. I'm not very sure if this answers the prompt correctly or not and was hoping for some feedback on that. Any advice will be very helpful.

For most of my early childhood I had been bound to my two bedroom apartment in downtown San Jose. I grew up having a severe case of asthma which prevented me from running around and playing tag with the rest of the kids. Some of the worst memories I have are of me waking up in the middle of the night almost unable to breathe, searching for my inhaler in the darkness. While the neighborhood kids ran about, I hoped for a way to get out.

My seventh birthday opened that door for me. After my party I opened all the gifts and a dainty box in the middle of the pile caught my eye. It was a puzzle of a mountain, I immediately ripped open the plastic and began making it. As, I put the pieces together I saw the distant green trees, and the river running from the top of the mountain. I had climbed the top and realized I didn't have to leave my house to see what is outside. The years went by, and I built bigger and bigger puzzles and explored more places. As, I got older I was able to get over my asthma and start more physical activities, but my passion for puzzles didn't die.

There's something about making puzzles that I can't live without. The early stages of making a puzzles, especially the bigger ones, are painful. Carefully sorting out over a 1000 pieces, the size of a dime by color is no easy task. Once the pieces start falling into place, the satisfaction is unparalleled to any game I can play outdoors. There are several different ways to start a puzzle: build the border and work your way in, focus on a specific object and build around it etc. It's this planning that goes into the puzzle that I love, and this passion that I found when I started coding.

The same sort of planning goes into making a program. I've only started with html, which is used to make websites, but I get the same feeling that get when I make puzzles. Making a website is not a chore but rather a reward I get for all the hard work I put into making it, the beginning is just separate lines of code, but once I put them together they form a beautiful picture. I know that it is important to love what you do and so I believe becoming a programmer will allow me to enjoy my passion while doing my job.