HI i m currently applying to UT austin, and this is the essay that i m suppose to write. plz give some advices, and how i can improve on it.
this is the prompt:
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
This is my essay:
I grew up in a family with one brother and one sister, and moved from Singapore to Shanghai, China few years ago. In Shanghai, I studied in an international school where I made a lot of friends and lead a happy life. Life has been smooth, enjoyable, and fun, until a small incident changed everything.
Two years ago, my friend Jason gave me a basketball as a birthday present, which introduced me to this great sport. Ever since, I trained during my free time and gradually became good at basketball. All of my friends thought that I am good at basketball, and should praised me for my ball handling skills and suggested me to try out for the school team. Thus, I signed up for the tryout.
On the day of the tryout, however, things did not turn out the way I expected. During the game, I did not perform as well as usual; I missed a lot of shots and had a lot of turnovers Jason on the other hand, played wonderfully. A few days later, I was informed by the coach that I was not selected for the school team, Jason was. Although happy for Jason, I felt very dispirited because of my own failure, and the thought of giving up basketball aroused in my mind. For several days, I felt depressed and chose to escape from the truth abstaining from playing basketball. It took me a long time to realize my mistake.
During the times when I was sad, Jason was always by my side supporting me, telling me not to quit the sport that I was passionate about. He spent his lunch break walking around the track with me and told me of some of the setbacks that he faced and how he solved them. Every time we had a conversation, Jason would say. "Giving up is the worst choice people can make in their lives", and thus, I should never abandon a sport that I had passion in so easily.
Jason's speech gave me the courage and confidence to accept the fact that I didn't make the tryout for the school team. I realized that quitting a sport simply because of a minor failure is pitiful. As a result, I started to play basketball again.
One day, Jason approached me and told me to join the second tryout for the second selection of the basketball team. I hesitated, afraid that I would not make the team. Jason, knowing my worry, told me that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and that I should not miss it.
Jason's indispensable support influenced me to be a person who would not give up easily, and be persistent in anything I do. His character paved way for me to become a stronger character in life. What he said would always influence and motivate me.
What he said would always influence and motivate me. I would never forget such a great friend.
Even though our path might never cross again, I will always remember Jason and the confidence and perseverance that he instilled in me.
I think the content is great, but I think you can polish your essay by improving the structure, maybe compress all the narrative parts together
I think this part can be edited like this:
One day while I was shooting, I heard someone say "good shot". I turned back and saw Jason looking at me. Then, incorporate the rest of the para into the previous paragraph..
my counsellor told me for this type of prompt, it is better to write more reflective than narrative, to show how the person affected YOU. so maybe you can put more weight on the last 2 paras~~
^^ if u have time, can u comment mine? thx
BTW, i moved from china to singapore then back to china again~~
haha thx i will comment on your, i'd love to. anyway thanks for ur ideas
Try getting a teacher to edit it, it contains a few punctuation errors.
Apart from that, it's true that it should be more reflective, you want to talk about how it impacted you inside, so focus a bit more on your disappointment, and on how he gave you psychological support vs physical support.
Writing essay in itself is a perseverance :D
Hi i have changed the essay. I was still wondering how i could work on the introduction to make it stronger.
OFF TOPIC, YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT JASON, NOT THE EXPERIENCE.
Jason's indispensable support influenced me to be a person who would not give up easily, and be persistent in anything I do. His character paved way for me to become a stronger character in life. His speech What he said would always influence and motivate me and I would never forget what he said. :
"Giving up is the worst choice one people can ever make in their lives"
Now this last sentence is very repetitive, THEY ALREADY HEARD IT ONCE. Either paraphrase, or just end with: What he said would always influence and motivate me. I would never forget such a great friend.
O and did you move from shanghai? Did you leave Jason? If so, talk about it!!!
E.G. Even though our path might never cross again, I will always remember Jason and the confidence and perseverance that he instilled in me.
Great until the last part, focus on the topic, you want to talk about the person and how he changed you, not the event.
Ask a teacher or somebody to re-edit for you. Many comma splits and grammar errors. Although I caught many, there are still quite a few. It's very understandable though, don't fell bad about editing and re-editing your essay.
Courage.
thank u very much for ur comments on both the essay, i will change it again
