Sister diagnosed with EPILEPSY; U Richmond Transfer/ EXPERIENCE leaving comfort zone

Hey,
I had to write a transfer essay for the university of richmond I wrote about a younger sibling is this a little to personal? Essay prompt below. Thank you for viewing.

Tell us about an experience in which you left your comfort zone. How did this experience change you?

She laid there paralyzed trapped within her mind. The grief amongst my family was unbelievable, as my sister contorted her body and defecated herself. We stood there helpless until her convulsions ceased, a sense of uncertainty, anguish, and relief filled the room as she laid motionless. Screams pierced the room that had once been filled with a deafening silence.

My younger sister has since then been diagnosed with epilepsy a disease described as "recurrent and unprovoked" seizures. The disorder plagues her lifestyle and looms over her in every choice and decision she makes from this point on. However, she pioneers on understanding her epilepsy is a part of her opposed to be a limitation, vowing to be unrestricted. She cheerleads, runs track, dates, parties, and functions routinely as a 16 year old should. Her unhampered personality and infectious smile combats her condition providing me with certainty that human strength can carry you great lengths and allow to prevail against adversity.

When she succumbs to her seizures I can't help but quiver becoming hesitant reliving the moment like its the first time every time. A pit in my stomach builds as her epilepsy preys on my manhood till I breakdown to tears. I resent god, I pray that I could take her place on the floor, however my prayers are never answered to my dismay. When she regains conscience she is sullen instantly recognizing what has happened and she goes back to life. That's exactly what it is its life and she won't her condition become a disability.

My my sister battles valiantly to live unrestrained life I idolize her for that. In a world where we glorify Justin Bieber for prancing around in his girlfriend's jeans, I glorify my younger sister for her relentless heart and courage. She has provided me with attributes that i carry with me daily. These attributes push me harder and stronger for everything I want.

.... I included punctuation.


I feel it's better you slightly re-phrase this... It's a good sentence, but wish you improve its clarity.


enjoys partying as a normal sixteen year old.


This very good writing. My only concern is that this is about someone else's struggle and your personal experience is nothing more than observing the situation being helpless.( though she's your sis). I wonder whether they expect you to write something that you yourself left the comfort zone to take up a certain challenge and describe that experience.

@dumi for the reasons you stated above do you this it's worth writing a new essay?

I expressed you my concern because I feel this is not exactly in line with what they expect. However, you put some good effort drafting this and therefore I feel you should be able to modify this to have this aligned with what they expect. Can't you think of some sort of personal sacrifice you had to make in this situation. If there's something like that, you can bring up that and tell them how you took up that challenge and what you learned out of it. However, the focus should retain on you and not on your sis. I'm confident that you can do something with this story.... After all, it's family matter that would have had a great bearing on all of you.