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'Skipping high grades' - improving my college application essay

JackPackage 1 / 1  
Aug 11, 2013   #1
I don't know what other things to put in my essay. So far I've made an essay with over 1000 words but I feel that it's not sufficient. Or maybe it is but I think what I wrote is not relevant to the essay question. Heck, I have not even made a starting paragraph yet.

The essay question by the way is: Which significant experiences or accomplishments in your life helped you define yourself as a person.

My essay, so far, is here:
It was back in pre-elementary school when I knew I was different. While my peers were only learning to read and count, I was already writing my own diary and was already doing basic arithmetic. My parents noticed this and requested that I be skipped to a higher grade. However, the request was refused because I was not at the perfect age for the certain grade: preparatory to be exact. Given this academic giftedness, I graduated pre-elementary as the first honor.

After the second quarter of Grade 1, my teachers announced that I was no longer the top of my class. The news dismayed me. I never expected that someone would surpass me academically. It changed me. I started slacking off and during class I became loud and get my classmates' and teachers' attentions. I became the class clown. Right now, personally I was glad that I was no longer ranked first in that quarter because it brought me a lot of pressure: my teachers expect me to be diligent and well-behaved. Being seven that time, I wanted to enjoy my life and have more fun. I'm not saying that being diligent is not fun, it is, to be honest, but being an underachiever, for me, is a lot more fun.

After first grade it was announced that all students who got good grades for each grade level be put in one section. Surprisingly enough, after that clowning I did in first grade, I still got decent grades and was qualified for the sectioning. I was excited, to be honest, since I wanted to be placed in a class with children who are similar to me. Being in that class was a very good experience since I got to mingle with my classmates there about things that I loved doing - something I wasn't really able to do back in first grade. I got decent grades but still managed to entertain my class. In fact when I got hospitalized, I got many get-well-soon cards saying "We miss you Justine. The class needs someone funny like you."

For the next couple of grade levels, and although I wasn't the top of the class, I still managed to get good marks that allowed me to participate in the yearly student recognition. It was in summer before fifth grade where I discovered from my parents the existence of the Philippine Science High School and that I was going to take review classes for it. I was intrigued, I mean, according to them, PSHS is a prestigious school and only children academically gifted can study there. Still, during the review sessions I slacked off and did not really learn anything.

It was in sixth grade where I under-achieved the most in my elementary life: I came to most classes late, I did not do most of my assignments and I got reprimanded many times for clowning during class. It was also in that year when I took the PSHS-NCE or the PSHS entrance exam. I did not have a hard time on the exam and, in fact, I passed it. And even after that underachieving, I was still able to graduate with honors and was about to enter high school. I did not have a hard time choosing which high school to enroll to since I passed the PSHS entrance exam.

So I entered PSHS and there I met lots of new different people. It was here where I discovered that I'm not the only underachiever. A third of the students I met here are underachievers. Still, you know they're intellectually gifted by the way they speak and how they portray humor. For the first few weeks I've had people love my company but that changed abruptly after a week: I accidentally posted a note on my facebook account saying how I hated this school because of the lack of free periods. When I got back to school, my batchmates suddenly treated me like I was an outcast. Students who once loved my company stopped talking to me and during classes whenever I would make jokes no one would laugh at them anymore. Considering the reputation I ruined, my high school life is not going to be the best of my experiences. Still I tried my best to restore my reputation but to no avail. For the whole year I was aloof and only a few people got to know me. Becoming introverted made me have a computer addiction, however in the good way. I learned how to earn money online. By summer before second year I was already earning $100 a month. My parents couldn't believe it when they saw packages arrive every now and then. Only a few of my batchmates knew about my internet monetizing. Second year was similar, for most of my classmates were my classmates during first year. I was still aloof but started to open up more since I had new classmates. It was in third year where I got out of my shell, again. More than two thirds of my classmates in that year were the ones who did not know me that much. Thus, I was able to be more like my old self again. I again started making jokes during class, and amused my classmates. Now in fourth year, most of my classmates are students whom I've never been classmates before so like in third year, it was easier to clown around. And I feel that this year is better than first, second and third year combined.

Every experience I encounter with, may it be good or bad, plays an important role in molding formation me and knowing me myself more. During the process of knowing myself, I've learned not only about myself but also about other people. I've learned that ups and downs are the ones that make my ride of life worthwhile because after every downs of life, knowing that I've overcome and learned something out of them makes me feel stronger and gives me a sense of fulfillment. On the other hand, the ups of life are the moments where when I finally get the fruits of my labor. It is the time where I rejoice for I know that every sacrifice I make is all worth it.
sksbl88 - / 29 6  
Aug 11, 2013   #2
It's a total mess. Redo the entire essay.

They want a few significant events that have shaped you. They did not ask for your academic life story.

There are so many cliches, popular phrases, redundancies and parallelisms that I can't keep track of everything.

3/4 of your essay is full of that stuff and it's ruining everything.


Be original and your own voice. Don't sound like everyone else or copy what everyone else does. You said you're different but you write like the total opposite style.

That tells me that you don't even know yourself at all and you haven't grown as a person.

Don't hate. You asked for a review so you got it. This is what admissions officers will look for.
OP JackPackage 1 / 1  
Aug 12, 2013   #3

Just how do I make an essay that tells about my achievements without talking about my academic life?
NK21 1 / 5  
Aug 14, 2013   #4
Try making it less of a narrative, start with focusing in more detail on specific events, less about your accomplishments and more on how they define you, I get the impression you feel you have superiority, let your humanity shine through

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