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sleek and stylish designs drew me in - Common App: Personal statement



FadedSpirits 1 / -  
Oct 31, 2008   #1
Still a work in progress. I think I'm going to use the first essay prompt ( Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.)

Drumming my fingers rapidly on my desk, I squirmed around in my chair anxiously. The cold plastic under my right hand felt natural but the large expanse of buttons that lay before on me was not something I was accustomed to. Suddenly, the black turned to blue, welcoming me. It asked me questions, as if trying to get to know me. Where do you live? What time is it there? What is your name? I happily fumbled around with the button combinations, pecking out the correct answers and before I knew it, I was done and the computer was ready for my use.

It was a Dell Dimension 2400 running Windows XP Home Edition with an 80 GB hard drive, a Pentium 4 processor, 128 MB of RAM, and a 15-inch Ultrasharp LCD flat panel monitor. The design aesthetic was simplistic and muted. A matte black color dominated the outer shell, occasionally interrupted with silver accents and LED lit buttons. But all these specifications and design details meant nothing to a naďve eleven year-old. In my eyes, it was perfect in every way possible and I would not give it up for any other computer in the world. Every time I turned it on, I waited patiently with absolute delight for the system to boot up and uncover the next super cool thing my computer could do.

4:32 PM. My fingers drum rapidly at the edge of the keyboard, waiting to jump into action. My eyes dart from the monitor to the bottles of lotion to my left, back to the monitor, to the steaming cup of tea next to the mouse and back to the monitor once more. 4:37 PM. The image of my desktop wallpaper is now painted across my screen. I jiggle the very familiar hourglass image then resume the rhythmic pounding of nail against plastic. 4:40 PM. All indications that my computer was loading stop. My mouse flies into action, clicking the icon that launched a word processing program. 4:50 PM. I scowl as I hear the distinct "buzz-whoosh" of the television being turned on. Knowing well that I cannot work in this situation, I move to block out the sound by creating my own. 4:52 PM. I get some music playing and return to my homework. 5:10 PM. I mentally smack myself as I realize that I had no idea what I scribbled down for the second half of my homework. A few quick button pushes and clicks of the mouse later, I launched an instant messaging program. Then I resumed working on composing a musical piece featuring my fingers and the surface of my desk. 5:16 PM. I thank my friend for her help and shuttle my mouse pointer up to the "x" on the upper right-hand corner of the window-No response. Oh no, I didn't save my work. Fearing a crash, I frantically click my mouse a few more times and my computer responds with an ominous beep.

Thankfully, I managed to recover my work, but this was such a common occurrence that it was pure insanity for me. The simple act of starting the computer was a thing I had come to dread. I began to cut down on the number of programs I needed to just a word processor and my music, opting for the phone if I needed to speak with my friends. Even then, minutes were wasted waiting for them to load. After witnessing the speeds of my friends' computers, I began to wonder what made my computer so slow. And so, I set off into the unknown world of technology to find answers to why this was happening and how I can fix it.

The answer to my problem was easily found and simple, but the search left me with a strong and lasting curiosity for general gadgetry and technology. The sleek and stylish designs drew me in, the variety of functions got me interested, and the possibilities fuel my curiosity.

I've sort of lost my way here. So any suggestions are more than welcome.

EF_Team5 - / 1583  
Oct 31, 2008   #2
I'm not sure what the point of this essay is. It seems to just be a description of an event, but I'm not sure to what end. Focus in on the prompt for the piece and find a focal point for this in your essay. As it is, I'm not sure really what you are aiming for here.
Chink - / 13  
Oct 31, 2008   #3
Your focus seems a bit scattered. The essay starts strong and conveys a clear message: your interest in technology, however starting with the phrase beginning "4:32 PM" and onward, it begins to lose direction. You suddenly switch to a more narrative voice and then begin narrating...what, exactly? I think you need to think about what message you are actually trying to get across, focusing more on your interest in technology and on events that convey that message clearly.


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