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"Soccer is my hobby" BETTER OR WORSE - UC (quality, talent, contribution)


ravkaurg 3 / 7  
Oct 14, 2010   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

I wrote this last year as a Junior, didnt take it too seriously. Now i am actually considering it? IS IT TOO GENERIC AND CHEESY?!

PLEASEE ANY HELP (also check my other thread if you could :))!! thank you!

Throughout my life I have always been told to try something new and take a risk. Last year for the first time I truly took that advice to heart. Fall of freshmen year my friend convinced me to start playing soccer again after a four year hiatus. My passion for the sport rekindled; however, I saw soccer only as an enjoyable hobby and did not consider pursuing it on a competitive front. "Soccer tryouts on the lower field after school Monday at 3:00 pm," echoed through the halls as I walked to class on a brisk November morning.

The thought of trying out for the school team had crossed my mind before, but I always pushed the notion away because of my fear of failure. I asked my mom about her opinion regarding the matter. She told me that "Fear of failure is never a reason not to try something new. The worst that can come of it is that nothing changes." These few words of wisdom made a momentous impact on my decision to try out for the school team. I put my best efforts forward for the next three days of try outs and I was pushed to limits that I did not know were within my reach. After a long day of sprints and ball exercises, the coach was about to announce his final cut of the team. My heart was pounding rapidly in anticipation of knowing whether my hard work had paid off. The coach began announcing the numbers of the players who had made the team, "number fifteen, number eight, number twenty four...", and at this point I was sure that I was cut. There were eighteen spots available and fifteen numbers were announced already. I felt pangs of disappointment ripple through me but I was content with my attempt. Then second to last the coach called out my number, "And numbers thirty two and forty." Waves of shock and utter joy traveled through my body upon hearing my number and I could not stop grinning from ear to ear.

That moment proved to me that if I did not take risks it would be impossible to reach my greatest potential. When I reflect back on the try out, I am proud that I gathered the courage to go out on a limb and push for something I thought was unreachable. The team turned out to be one of the best experiences of my sophomore year. Coach Paul also helped me improve my game and take my skills to a higher level. I made new friends and improved my skills with a great coach who motivated me to do my best. If I had stayed with the recreational league, I would have never known my full potential as a contributing player on the school team.

Previous to this experience, I had always been somebody who preferred staying on the safe side of all matters. If I were to take a class, I would always take it with a friend; I never pursued things that required branching out of the norm. Taking this one risk has instilled a new confidence in me. Now I am willing to do things that I would not have considered before like going on the roller coaster that I am deathly afraid of. This has also further reinforced my work ethic of determination and putting in my best efforts. I worked hard during those three days of tryouts and put my best effort into all the drills. The coach noticed my willingness to learn and decided I deserved a spot on the lineup. I tried my best and even if I had not made the team I would have been proud of my attempt at something new and challenging.
ysabelbrown 4 / 9  
Oct 14, 2010   #2
I think over all, this is a relatively good essay. However, you can still improve it by tweaking some sentences and also by fixing your transition of ideas.

For example,

. My passion for the sport rekindled; however, I saw soccer only as an enjoyable hobby and did not consider pursuing it on a competitive front. "Soccer tryouts on the lower field after school Monday at 3:00 pm," echoed through the halls as I walked to class on a brisk November morning.

The transition from the first sentence to the next is quite abrupt. Maybe you can place "Soccer tryouts on the lower field after school Monday at 3:00 pm," in the next paragraph instead of ending your first paragraph with this line. OR, you could also insert, I don't know, more connective ideas to make the transition smoother? Just a thought though :)

Anyway, the best of luck to you!
StillLifeWitHam - / 15  
Oct 14, 2010   #3
I think it's a very nice essay. I like the last paragraph and suggest you expand on it because the best impression you leave the reader is that you take more risks and challenges now. Instead of a roller coaster, are there some academic challenges you have taken after this experience?

Good luck! Oh, and you may want to adjust the "last year" in the first sentence. I think the timing is off now.
OP ravkaurg 3 / 7  
Oct 14, 2010   #4
thank you guys! I really didnt think this essay was worthy, but perhaps if i modify it I can actually submit it. I agree with considering better transitions. My only main concern is that this wont grab the reader's attention.
StillLifeWitHam - / 15  
Oct 15, 2010   #5
A nice first sentence would be like one of your sentences near the end:
"I had always been somebody who preferred staying on the safe side of all matters."

Your story then follows with the transformation to who you are now - someone who understands that being challenged, taking risks, and trying new things is necessary to accomplish something worthy. Colleges want that type of person to take full advantage of everything the college offers and inspire their classmates.


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