Hello! I have began my apps early. Please help me the best way you can...be critical (I need it very badly)!
First of all, the things I do for pleasure: playing soccer, sketching, and playing guitar.
Here's what I came up with: (I'm starting with soccer)
Every Friday before sunset, I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team in the weekly local soccer match. I play as the goalkeeper-captain. Some of my fondest memories come from soccer: as saving a penalty, engaging in frivolous arguments with my opponent Saad, cheering my teammates scoring a goal. Really, it's exciting when the crowds cheer as my team scores a goal or when I thwart an attempt on goal. Playing soccer also helps me to relax. I also enjoy working with teammates, and the spirit of sportsmanship. (94 words)
Be critical.
Here's a little piece of advice. When writing an essay like this, it might be best to take a narrative tone to it. For example:
"I stood under the goal, the smell of freshly mown grass lofting easily in the air, my hair moving slightly in the breeze. My eyes zeroed it on the ball, trying to track it down with my stare, not letting it escape my gaze. I wouldn't let it through the goal. Whether that ment charging at an opposite team to grab the ball, or slide across the grass to reach it, what ever it took. My team trusted me, and I would make sure that trust was valued. This is what it means to be a soccer player."
Perhaps something like that? It's worth a try, to add a creative edge to it:)
Otherwise, good start!
Really! a nice and the best reply! I am working on that.
Thank you!
What is Saad? Is that someone's name? I think you should not include it. The sentence will be so much nicer without the name. Nothing against him, ha ha... but the sentence will be SLEEK without the name.
I like everything about this! Well, I like everything except the end.
Playing soccer also helps me to relax. I also enjoy working with teammates, and the spirit of sportsmanship. (94 words)
Think about your vision of the future, and think about what soccer means in your life... what has it got to do with your plan for your time at this school or in your career? At the end of the paragraph, make a connection between soccer and your awesome plan. I do not mean you need to say you are going to play soccer in college, but rather... that the things you like about soccer will also be present in your chosen career.
Excitement, competition, camaraderie...
Hi,
I thought that my Revision-1 lacked life, so I revised it again and came up with Revision-2. I hope this is better.
'I wouldn't let it through, whether that meant charging at the opponent to grab it, or sliding across the grass to reach it, whatever it took': such is my cast of mind when I play as the goalkeeper-skipper. Thwarting an attempt on goal is not my only job as being the skipper I must maintain my composure and cheer my team on. Really, it's exciting when the crowds cheer as my team scores or when I make a save. Nevertheless, soccer instills in me the sense of camaraderie, dilligence and persistence that would assist me in attaining my bio-nanotechnology goals.
(100 words)
Thank you!
I think it is indeed better! Nice...
Let's put the beginning in the present verb tense:
'I won't let it through, whether that means charging the opponent to grab it or sliding across the grass to reach it -- whatever it takes!" such is my cast of mind when I play as the goalkeeper-skipper.
Thwarting an attempt on goal is not my only job as being the skipper. I must maintain my ...
It's nice that you connected it to your chosen field at the end! Can you find a creative way to identify yet another commonality in the two? Can you find another creative observation to make about the kind of intense focus you might need for bio-nanotechnology?
Thank you EF_Kevin!
I am working on that. :)
Hi,
I tried to revise it again but considering the word limit I managed to write the following.
'I won't let it through, whether that meant charging at the opponent to grab it, or sliding across the grass to reach it, whatever it takes!' such ...
SEE BELOW
Please criticize. I hope it's OK. If it is not, is it wise to use Revision-2?
Thank you!
Okay, it is all present tense in that quoted sentence (when you are talking to yourself about protecting the goal)
So... do this:
"I won't let it through, whether that means charging at the opponent to grab it or sliding across the grass to reach it - - whatever it takes!" Such is my cast of mind when I play as the goalkeeper-skipper.
:-)
Hello,
I've made all necessary corrections and hope that this is my LAST correction!!!
'I won't let it through, whether that means charging at the opponent to grab it, or sliding across the grass to reach it, whatever it takes!' Such is my cast of mind when I play as the goalkeeper-skipper. Thwarting an attempt on goal is not my only job as the skipper. I must maintain my composure and cheer my team on. Nevertheless, the sense of diligence and persistence, which soccer instilled in me, will accompany me in my college years as I try to attain my bio-nanotechnology dream of inventing the 'AV nanites'. (93 words)
Thank you!
'I won't let it through, whether that means charging at the opponent to grab it or sliding across the grass to reach it -- whatever it takes!'
I removed 2 commas and added a dash!
:-)
Hi EF,
Well all my essays are almost finished and since I have enough time in my hand, I want to experiment with my essays. So in pursuit of an interesting read, I changed soccer to cricket.
Here it is.
'You tricked me! I thought it wouldn't turn,' plead my victim to stay in the crease but the umpire raises his finger and 'He's out!' After years of wrist-twisting training, I have mastered the leg-spin in my favorite sport of cricket. No wonder my RCC team-mates call me the 'Sheikh of Twist' as I can spin the ball to a staggering forty degrees from its course. Nonetheless, I want to 'twist' the future of bio-nanotechnology by inventing the 'nanites' with the sense of assiduity and persistence that cricket instilled in me and by being the 'Sheikh of Tweak'- the perfectionist!
(100 words)
Is it better than the soccer one? Is it interesting? Most importantly, does it convey my real motive?
Thanks for helping! :)
Present tense: pleads
... to stay in the crease--what does this mean?Maybe it is an expression unfamiliar to me.
but the umpire raises his finger: 'He's out!'
I want to 'twist' the future of bio-nanotechnology by inventing the 'nanites' with the sense of assiduity and persistence that cricket instilled in me and by being the 'Sheikh of Tweak'- the perfectionist! --- I like it!! I guess I do like this one a little more. Nice job!
'To stay in the crease' means to bat for long like it's in baseball!
I guess it would be OK if I change the tone.
'You tricked me! I thought it wouldn't turn,' pleads my victim to bat for long but the umpire raises his finger: 'He's out!' After years of wrist-twisting training, I have mastered the leg-spin in my favorite sport of cricket. No wonder my RCC team-mates call me the 'Sheikh of Twist' as I can spin the ball to a staggering forty degrees from its course. Nonetheless, I want to 'twist' the future of bio-nanotechnology by inventing the 'nanites' with the sense of assiduity and persistence that cricket instilled in me and by being the 'Sheikh of Tweak'- the perfectionist!
(98 words)
I hope I cleared the confusion! :)
Excellent comments. You would able to complete your essay.
Regards
Hi!
I hope this is OK!
'You tricked me! I thought it wouldn't turn,' pleads my victim to stay on strike but the umpire raises his finger: 'He's out!' After years of wrist-twisting training, I have mastered the leg-spin in my favorite sport of cricket. No wonder my RCC team-mates call me the 'Sheikh of Twist' as I can spin the ball to a staggering forty degrees from its course. Nonetheless, I want to 'twist' the future of bio-nanotechnology by inventing the 'nanites' with the sense of assiduity and persistence that cricket instilled in me and by being the 'Sheikh of Tweak'- the perfectionist!
(98 words)
Yes, I like it. Maybe you cannot experience it objectively because of all the time you spent with it, but the sentences are flowing and rhythmic, sort of majestic.
:-)
Thank you EF_Kevin.
Now I declare this thread officially closed. And I am thankful to the following persons:
EF_Kevin (the most)
Writefluidity
Whitney
Isai
Thank you guys! :)