'Soccer and smashing my dreams' --- Common app short answer

This is the first draft of my Common app short answer.

My first match in Chinese Soccer School was a nightmare: all my fantastic dribbling skills lost their magic. After the match, coach told me, "You may have some talent in soccer, but you will achieve nothing without well-trained basics."

His words smashed my dream. I could not imagine practicing endlessly like other mediocre players. At last, I gave up my childhood dream of playing artfully like a trickster, just kept running, passing, and shooting. Realizing later that my friends still played the way I did before, I understood: "talent" will not make a master. Without sound basis, any flowery skill is useless.

I changed not only the way I played soccer, but also my attitude toward everything: I no longer believe that talent can be the shortcut to success, but stay modest and make steady progress. Coach's words always echo there: "you will achieve nothing without good foundation."

thebabybull Edit Delete Move 76.14.44.181
Nov 8, 2009 #10

I am worrying about my theme and language because there are simple too many people who write about the sports, yet this is truly the thing that changes me. I hope I can express the truth in the short answer. I will appreciate any comment and critique. Please review, thanks!

Hi,


Don't worry that many people are writing on sports. I find your answer honest and sincere. I actually enjoyed reading it! But some comments below:





I changed then, more than playing soccer. This sentence is unclear.

I stopped boasting "reading secret", but sat down and memorized words one by one. How does this connect with the rest of your essay?

Soccer helped me mature, staying modest and making steady progress.stayed modest and made steady progress.

TheMy coach's words always reechoesecho there: "you will achieve nothing without well trained basis skill."

I find this


and


repetitive; You are like using three adjectives well, trained, and basics to describe the skill. You can simply use "good foundation" or "well-trained basics".

qyuiosilent
I am grateful for your help!

I want to say that this has not only changed the way I play soccer, but also the way I do other things, and reading is an example, but I don't have the space of words for the connection...How should I express that?(Saying:for example?)

I don't understand the reading secrets" part? I don't uderstand the connection between that and " basic skill"?

I revised it according to your suggestions and rewrote some sentences. What's it like now?...

It seems that we can draw many meaningful life lessons from playing sports.

vothiha
Well...It's a true story...I am just wondering if I put it the right way...What do you think?

Well here is what I think. Overall, it sounds like a good topic. But at some points I have to read the sentence again to get what you want me to know. I think that is probably because of dramatizing words like putting them in inverted commas. I didn't understand why you put "playing like Zidane" in inverted commas and had to go over a few times to actually understand, and still unsure whether what i thought is what you wanted to tell.

The same goes for talent. Try to avoid to make the reader go back and read your initial paragraph. Make it such that as he proceeds, he remembers everything he read above and can connect to it if at all you want him to.

But again, I may be wrong. But that's what i feel.

Good luck.

I rivised again. This time I think it's clearer. But sorry it has been more than 2 weeks later!
Please help me review, thank you!

Oh yes, thanks~ There are still parts of awkward English, I will try to revise.
Other problems? Thanks a lot!~

will achieve nothing without being well-trained in the basics."

His words smashed my dream. I could not imagine practicing endlessly like other mediocre players. At last, I gave up my childhood dream of playing artfully like a trickster, and I just kept running, passing, and shooting. I later realized that my friends still played the way I did before, and I understood: "talent" will not make a master. Without sound basics , any flowery skill is useless.

It's the same in martial arts!

This is profound, very wise!! I am impressed. It is an important insight. This is what it means to approach an activity in a meditative way, with no restlessness or discontent, happy practicing basics in the present moment.

Can you write a sentence about how this will apply to your studies?