Spain. The country where I grabbed ahold of every opportunity offered to me and discovered who I am

Anything you guys see here that you could help me out with? I am applying to some pretty prestigious schools and please be BRUTAL be CRITICAL whatever you want!! Thank you!

Spain. The country where I grabbed ahold of every opportunity offered to me and discovered who I truly am. As a sophomore, I decided I wanted to go beyond the path the typical American high school student would follow. The thought of being in the exact same place for the rest of my high school career was tiring to me. I wanted to experience a new learning environment and expand my perception of the world. I figured the craziest and toughest way to do that would be to move to a foreign country and study in a totally different school. I would assimilate into an unfamiliar culture and become fluent in a brand-new language. To me the idea was intriguing and exhilarating.

And that far-fetched idea was the first step of my journey. A journey with AFS exchange programs that led me places I never expected to go. Spain isn't the perfect country nor is Spanish the perfect language. I didn't travel to Spain expecting perfection. I knew I would have to overcome many challenges and deal with many stressful situations. In my first four months, I had some of the most intensely emotional moments of my entire life. I had to cope with knowing no one, in a completely new city and country, where I wasn't even able to communicate with others in a common language. I trusted my host family with my whole heart as they had been so accepting of a foreigner in their home and they had so much of the language and culture to teach me. In December however, they decided the situation wasn't what they had expected and my host mother told me I was no longer welcome in their home.

That situation was absolutely crushing to my entire being, and being so far from my American family and friends and everything familiar to me didn't make it any easier. But in the end, it was this experience that completely transformed me. I learned to be independent and create my own happiness, even when no one else was around and it seemed impossible. I also learned humility, as many times I had to listen so intently to conversations to just follow what was going on. I couldn't contribute much to conversations, so I learned how to really listen. And life swirled on, as another wonderful Spanish family in a different city took me in, and I was able to continue my personal growth in my Spanish life. Even though those two weeks during Christmastime when I was basically family-less were heart-wrenching, my only plan the entire time was to not give up. I had come to Spain with such a deep sense of purpose and hopes for the ways my life was going to be changed and the person I was going to become. I refused to give up these hopes.

Living abroad put me on the outside looking in. It was a unique experience to be on the margins of society. It was a temporary situation, but certainly not always easy. My time on exchange changed my perspective on life: the way I see other cultures and languages, the way I see Europe and the world, and my understanding of other ways of life. All these views were revolutionized. Being the outsider let me grow and mature throughout my year. Now, equipped with a new worldly perspective, I feel more capable than ever to take the next step and head into college internalizing all the lessons that I learned in Spain.

I think your essay needs to be checked for grammer mistakes. And when you read it, it isn't really smooth. There are some places that

sound awkward. Your story is great, but the essay can be composed better.


This sentence is a bit awkward and a little long. You might want to change it into something like: "That situation totally crushed me, and being so far from my family, friends, and everything else I was familiar with didn't make it any easier."


I don't think this is really logical.


Another awkward sentence. Maybe you should write it like this: "And life swirled on, as another wonderful Spanish family in a different city took me in, I was able to continue my challenging life in Spain and develop myself."

The above are only some of the sentences that need improving. I think you should read your essay again carefully and improve it. Try not to write sentences with complex structure if you are not entirely sure you can write them correctly. Good luck!

Hello,

The major problem you have with your essay is that you do NOT show any transition. When a prompt specifically states "Transition," that means you need to take us through a before and after. How was your life before adulthood? Then you need to talk about it during the transition and how was it different once you arrived into adulthood. None of these elements were made clear in this essay. -Admissions Advice Online

Hope this helps.

Thank you for that! wow that's very interesting feedback I had never considered it like that. But in that case, do you think it'd be better to choose a different essay prompt on common app such as the "Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story." one? Do you see that fitting better? thank you so much!