'Spritful helping those in need' - How will your presence enrich our community?

When I think of myself numerous things come to mind that easily define me. I am a girl who's been through a sufficient amount of virtuous and awful things in my life.

Something that makes me different from many people is that my whole life I have been a victim of having a deceased parent. My father was a police officer for the City of Milwaukee and was shot and killed in the line of duty September 7, 1994, two months before my twin brother and I were born. All though growing up without a father figure in my life has been very difficult; it has helped me grow to be a much stronger and independent individual. For example, I have been working the same job since the summer of 2011 and I intend to keep working there till I leave for college. Having this job has

If being accepted into the Whitewater community, I am very eager to get involved with extracurricular activities and school events. I enjoy being a part of groups and events that stimulate school spirit. I am also very interested in picking up community service hours. Being a part of the Catholic Church I have learned that helping those in need

those are the start to my paragraphs. any ideas on what I could do or say to explain more and make it sound better?

I don't think you want to say that you are a "victim" of only having one parent. We are all handed certain cards in life and the point of an admissions essay is not to show how you have had a hard life and people should feel sorry for you. You can certainly talk about the adversity you have faced only having one parent, but talk about how you are strong, independent, and free-willed, not how you are a victim of your circumstances.

As a child, every kid looks up to their parents. They believe they are their superman, their rock; the people they can always rely on. Except for me, I only had my mother to rely on which has made my childhood and overall life so different from many others. My father was a police officer for the City of Milwaukee. As from what I have heard my dad loved his job. He was a funny, caring guy who was devoted to doing everything and anything he could do to satisfy everyone. On the night of September 7, 1994 my dad and his partner were patrolling an area on the south side of Milwaukee. Little did they know there was a man hiding in the bushes near by the road waiting for the first squad car he saw. Unfortunelty, it was the one my father was in. As soon as the man saw the car, he shot fire, striking my dad's side of the car. The bullet when straight through the door hitting my dad right near his heart, he died instantly. A little over two months later my mother gave birth to twins, my brother and I.

In many ways it has been the most difficult thing I've had to endure, but also has helped me grow to be the strong and independent individual I am today. Being independent is no easy task but everyone must accept it and grow up. In the process of growing up we take on the responsibility of getting a job. From what I have experienced when having a job, it teaches you to be more obligated and outgoing.

Being outgoing has helped me out sufficiently in many ways such as gaining plenty of friends over the years, pushing myself to be more involved in extracurricular activities and school events, and putting time aside for community service and church related activities. Joining school activities is very important to me since I enjoy meeting new people and working together with individuals as a group, it's always pleasurable to be in a community that stimulates school spirit. Lastly, community service has been an immense task to me. Being a part of the Catholic Church, I have recognized helping those in need brings me an unlimited sensation of contentment.

hows this?