'I had to stand strong, Independent and be my own self' - UGRAD statement essay

Hi, please have a look at my UGRAD statement, its exactly 250/250 words,

Personal Statement for Undergraduate School

Being a woman from a middle-class family, I had to stand strong, Independent and be my own self. Having a rural background in a Male dominant society, my potential was always underestimated. But as my university life started, I tried to experience and learn as much as I could. As a strong believer of diversity and individuality, I volunteered for a culture exchange, experienced the Balochi culture, its diversity. It gave me the positivity of a Baloch and the individuality of a Punjabi.

Back in 2014, my close friend was diagnosed with severe form of Tuberculosis. The poor conditions of our medical centers as well as lack of awareness in people, made her two sisters contract the disease. It was a moment of realization for me. Followed by that one year, I sensed similar conditions of disease outbreaks in my area, So I decided to go for Microbiology as a career.

My goals related to microbiology include epidemiological research in Pakistan as well as Biofuels and their extraction from microbes to help in finding a solution for the energy crises going all over Pakistan.

Having no prior out of country travelling experience, this platform will allow me to observe the current microbiological trends in USA. With this platform, I intend to project a strong, independent image of Pakistani women, to reveal our underestimated potential. Moreover, my goals are to meet like-minded people especially women to learn and promote women empowerment and personal development in women, when I return to Pakistan.

Hello Hadiqa Javaid,

I like your determination to break the barriers which are inherited to girls right from their childhood. But time is evident of their potential and speak volumes of their achievements. Also I have heard only about three noted microbiologists from Pakistan namely Syed Abdul Mujeeb, Farooq Azam & Anwar Nasim and none of these is a girl, so I hope that you would be the one for girl's pride in Pakistan. Well, I don't have much time for this, but I will try my best to correct your statement for your selection.

Well, you are successful in describing your emotions and feelings to the readers. But only emotions will not help you sail through the selection procedure easily. There are many unavoidable mistakes as follows -

1. Use 'I always had to' in place of I had to in the first line of your first paragraph.

2. The reasons for opting microbiology as your career are quite ineffective and do not give clear idea of your approach.

3. Instead of help in finding use 'to contribute towards finding'.

4. Your arguments to study in US are quite non-exixtent because you are not explaning clear reasons as to why you only want to study in US and not anywhere else.

5. Use 'meet people with mutual understanding' in place of meet like-minded people in the last fourth line of last paragraph.

Hope this helps.

Hadiqa, I realize that the essay is limited in word count, which is why you need to make every word in your essay count. There is a requirement for you to revise the content of your essay because it focuses on the wrong information and limits the important information. First up, when you introduce yourself to the reviewer in the first paragraph, try to summarize the information in order to make it more direct to the point and relevant. Simply say that you come from a male dominant society so when you attended a cultural exchange that allowed you to integrate the Balochi culture with your own strong will as a woman, you became a unique Punjabi who was able to resist male domination in your life.

Summarize the information about your friend who got sick. Just say that the 3 of them contracted the illness and they could not be treated properly due to the lack of microbology knowledge in your hospitals. That is why you decided on that career. Then transition to the reason why you want to study in the US.

You must do some research in this area and present a foundation for your one year exchange program in the US. Talk about what you hope to learn about Microbiology during this time and why you consider learning that information important. Explain how you plan to grown your knowledge during that semester abroad. Outline any research or experiments you hope to carry out during your stay. Strengthen you reasons for your desire study in the US. That is best done by discussing your study plans in a summarized, by effective format.

The closing paragraph clearly delivers the message that you are planning to return to your home country at the end of the program. That is good. You should make that clear because if there is any doubt as to your plans to return, your application process might stall.

Thankyou everyone, for your time. I hope to improve it.