"the standard American milestones" - Personal Statement: University of Madison

Statement 1:
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

Please comment/Feel free to comment or leave suggestions. All criticism is appreciated-Thanks

Growing up I lived an ordinary happy childhood. I experienced all of the standard American milestones a kid is supposed to: learning to ride a bike, going to Disneyworld, getting my license and so on. The one thing that has set me apart from my peers all my life is musical interest. Of course throughout high school I have met my fair share of highly talented guitarists and singers but no one else really shared my passion for rapping. I heard my first hip hop song when I was nine years old and have not stopped listening since. As a kid whenever I was home alone or it was raining, instead of picking up the T.V controller I would spend hours in my room writing lyrics. Although growing up I always wished that more of a hip hop scene existed amongst my peers, looking back I think it was more of a gift than a curse. Being the sole source of production provided me with an environment free from outside influence and allowed me to flourish. Today I am playing live shows on a regular basis, have won a number of contests and collaborated with an established artist to produce an album. I do not think I would have developed such a vibrant unique style if it was not for my particular upbringing and I accredit the majority of my success to this. Aside from strictly musical talent I think separating myself through one aspect of my life has also allowed me to develop and mature into my own person with original views, opinions, and perspectives.

Due to the nature of the lifestyle I have pursued since the age of nine, I think I have developed into a very creative, innovative, and individualistic person. All of these traits I have acquired throughout my life will aid me in my educational pursuits because I will have a completely different outlook than the majority of people and will provide fresh new ideas.

In the big picture, though, tons of people share it.

I need to cut a lot from the beginning. I have a great lesson to share with you. It is important for writing and rap, because they are of course the same. You need to omit all that is not powerful.

In your lyrics, you do not allow any weak lines. Why include any weak lines? So I have to cut all the weak lines from the beginning of this essay. They are expository, informative, boring, ordinary. But you have a great sentence here:

As a kid whenever I was home alone or it was raining, instead of picking up the T.V controller I would spend hours in my room writing lyrics. ---Now HERE is a sentence that is intriguing. If you cut all the content that comes before this, it will be a great experience for the reader.

As I continue to read, it is perfect, with impressive examples and real, meaningful reflection.
I love it.

But at the end, I have to cut again:

Due to the nature of the lifestyle I have pursued since the age of nine, I think I have developed into a very creative, innovative, and individualistic person. All of these ....

That stuff is meaningless. Now take those sentences in the middle, whose lives I spared, and study them. Notice the energy that I notice in those specific sentences that follow the rule "Show, don't tell."

You have the right stuff, I think. But do not allow any sentences in your essay if they do not show the reader some imagery, some action, or some intriguing reflection.

***Informative sentences are hard work to read, so you tell info to the reader on a need to know basis. :-)