I want to major in psychology in UIUC and have already written out an essay. The problem is, it's 359 words, which means I need a 59 word trim. Any suggestions, tips, and what I can cut out will be deeply appreciated. Thanks! :)
ESSAY #1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please describe how your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major. If you haven't decided on a college or major yet, briefly explain your intentions and aspirations for your first year at Illinois.
My essay:
While I was growing up, my parents raised me to stand for what I believed in, to follow my dreams and lay out my own path. Growing up in the United States helped me nurture an open mind, but definitely did not prepare me for the more restricted outlook I experienced when I moved to India.
Being in an institution like my school can be rewarding and frustrating at the same time. Being well known in my city, my school has a reputation which makes people look at you in admiration and sometimes awe if you tell them wear you're from. People expect a lot from you, but that can surprisingly have a limited outlook, too. My school rigorously trains their students to excel academically and get into India's best colleges, specifically for two fields. Hence, the common question I receive from most of my relatives- Which career are you planning on? Medicine, or engineering?
When I reply with psychology, most of them are confused. Why psychology? I see people around me financially successful, academically brilliant, and physically healthy, but one of the most important facets with regard to health is your mental well being.
I volunteer at a school for the financially and physically disabled, and one day, I was asking my class what each them aspired to be. I got several responses such as a 'train driver', 'teacher', and 'police inspector'. Then one girl at the back of the class piped up and said she wanted to be a doctor.
The entire class burst into laughter and chided her, leaving the girl distressed and close to tears. It's instances lie this that make me want to help people smile and realize that they can achieve what they want- the only thing in the way of their goals and aspirations is not the crowd scorning their dreams-it's themselves.
Reassuring that little girl not only put a smile to her face, but made me glow on the inside too. It stirred a feeling in me which makes me sure that I can see no better way to spend my life making sure everyone feels a glow of their own.
This is very good, but you hop around from subject to subject.
I;d say begin your essay with "people always ask me why I want to study psychology" or something like this. Continue with the fact that everyone is confused about your pursuits, since it isn't doctor/engineer. Then go on to talk about the crying girl you encountered and how that made you realize that while engineering and medicine are important, so is one's mental well being; in fact it's probably more important.
If you need to get rid of some words, you can definitely do so in the second paragraph. Get right to the point, that in India everyone wants to be an engineer/doctor but YOU want to be a psychologist. You need not talk about your school's reputation.
Also, it seems like what you want to be is a psychiatrist. The fact that you enjoyed assisting the girl and that you want to "make sure everyone feels a glow" will probably lead you to psychiatry. If I'm right, you should definitely mention psychiatry as a goal.
Your essay mentions some good stuff, and it's probably hard to piece it all together, but if you rearrange the paragraphs to improve the flow it will be stellar.
How's this?
People constantly ask me why I want to study psychology. While I was growing up, my parents raised me to stand for what I believed in, to follow my dreams and lay out my own path. Growing up in the United States helped me nurture an open mind, but definitely did not prepare me for the more restricted outlook I experienced when I moved to India.
Being in an institution like my school can be rewarding and frustrating at the same time. My school rigorously trains their students to excel academically and get into India's best colleges, specifically for two fields. Hence, the common question I receive from most of my relatives- What's next? Medicine, or engineering?
When I reply with psychology, most of them are confused.
I volunteer at a school for the financially and physically disabled, and one day, I was asking my class what each them aspired to be. I got several responses such as a 'train driver', 'teacher', and 'police inspector'. Then one girl piped up and said she wanted to be a doctor.
The entire class burst into laughter and chided her, leaving the girl distressed and close to tears. It's instances like this that make me want to help people realize that they can achieve what they want- the only thing in the way of their goals and aspirations is not the crowd scorning their dreams-it's themselves. It's this and other complexities of the human mind I would love to help people overcome. The world has doctors to look after your physical health and engineers to inspire great thinkers; but most people don't realize that one of the most important facets with regard to health is your mental well being.
Reassuring that little girl not only put a smile to her face, but made me glow on the inside, too. It stirred a feeling in me which makes me sure that I can see no better way to spend my life than making sure everyone feels a glow of their own, something I would love to achieve through an education at UIUC.
Thanks a lot for all your help :) :)
