Stanford Essay: Blood Is Thickest - What matters to you, and why?

What matters to you, and why? (250 word limit.)
Social rights activist Desmond Tutu once said, "You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them." Looking back on my life, I am amazed by the legitimacy of this saying.

My youngest sister has changed my life in ways I can barely imagine. Despite the (supposedly) "annoyed" demeanor I have towards her, she brings me an immense amount of joy and entertainment, when not exasperating me or teaching me the fine lesson of patience.

My older sister is also a massive influence in my life. Having already been through the adolescent stage of life, she is a great source for life advice. Likewise, she is one of the few people in life I can share my secrets, aspirations, worries, and problems with. Without her mature yet grumpy presence in my life, I can't imagine being so well-disposed in life right now.

In addition to my siblings, I owe a great deal of thanks to my parents. Thanks to my mother for forgoing her nursing school education to take care of me and my siblings. Thanks for being the most loving person in my life. Thanks to my father for sacrificing time with the family in order to work in Nigeria in order to provide for the family. His sacrifice is a great motivator and testament to his great character.

Getting accepted into Stanford University would be my "gift" to my family for the love and support they have shown me over the years.

250 out of 250 words used.

I am amazed by the validity of this saying.


Likewise she is one of the few people with whom I can share my secrets, aspirations, worries and problems confidently.
Overall, I like the way you have presented it :)

I disagree, to some extent. I think the topic has potential, but I think you wrote it as if you had one draft and hit "submit."

I would definitely change these sentences: "Thanks to my mother for forgoing her nursing school education to take care of me and my siblings. Thanks for being the most loving person in my life. Thanks to my father for sacrificing time with the family in order to work in Nigeria in order to provide for the family." They read OK, but come across as very cliche and very corny. In an ad-board of 10 people, I'd bet 5 of those people would not care to read this part, especially because it's very likely other applicants will (with just as much sincerity as you) respond with "my family," and use a similar method for describing their parents' sacrifices.

Also, I think your last sentence sounds a bit desperate. The quote says you, as you are, are their (your family's) gift, and doesn't say anything about an actual (tangible or not) gift being given in the course of your life. "Gifting" your family with an acceptance to Stanford doesn't really work with the quote, basically. It's also cliche and doesn't contribute to your topic as much as it could.

I think you definitely have potential with this topic, but maybe you should rethink what exactly you're going to say and how you plan to express it. Your writing is solid, so good luck! :-)

your essay is ideal for reading but not quite appealing to the readers.
however you do have potential to craft it way better than this.. just my opinion, i could be wrong probably..
wish u luck with your writing :)