Hey guys. Please read this rough draft of my stanford supplemental essay. This is my first draft so I am sure it is full of grammatical errors. Does it answer the prompt clearly enough?
The distinctive sound of needle dropping on vinyl made a quick appearance then vanished in the place of overbearing silence. The sustained quietness amplified the sense of anticipation. And then, it started. The unmistakably potent riffs of Jimmy Page on "Whole Lotta Love" shattered the silence and drove both my dad's and my own head into a state of incessant and vigorous bobbing. Robert Plant's incensed wailing gave us both that euphoric feeling it had the first 100 time we had listened to it. Although no words were being exchanged between us both my dad and myself sense exactly what eachother is feeling.
It had always been this way between us; while we had a good relationship otherwise, music gave our relationship a much deeper bond. Ever since my dad had originally played Led Zeppelin 2 for me, I was hooked on the classic rock sound. Fortunately for me, I had a dad that was extremely knowledgable regarding this genre of music. Everytime we would sit down to listen to a new album we were brought on the same journey. The music had an equalising effect on us. No matter what our emotional or mental state was prior to putting on the album, the music put both of us on the same plane in that we were both reacting to what we heard in the same way. This situation is strikingly similar when it is with my friends. Replace my room with a car and the old phonograph with an auxillary plug and you have a group of people that are relating to eachother on a very basic, yet, profound level. .Sharing this feeling of inter connectedness for an extended period of time is something truly unique and doing so forges a strong bond between all people listening that cannot be achieved by anything other than music.
While music has been an avid obsession of mine for a long time, it is what music does when listened to it in groups that has given me the most. Put simply, music does what words cannot. Our collective love of classic rock has forged an unbreakable connection between us that has improved alll facets of our relationship. As far as I am concerned, this unsaid understanding we both have of eachother is a direct result of the times music has spoken to us rather than the times we have spoken to each other.
the first 100 times
sensed exactly what the other was feeling
I think this essay is beautifully worded and a powerful statement about your connection with your dad. However, if this was my essay I would worry about it not answering the prompt directly enough. I think you should specifically state Music matters to me because... or that's why music is so important to me.
The distinctive sound of a needle dropping on vinyl made a quick appearance then vanished in the place of overbearing silence.
This sounds a bit awkward to me.
Maybe try The distinctive sound of needle dropping on vinyl made a brief blip on my audial radar/font]?
The sustained quietness amplified the sense of anticipation
I feel like the word silence would provide better alliteration and word flow without being too corny.
The sustained silence amplified the sense of anticipation
maybe even throw in
as my ears anxiously awaited the note meant to pierce the lack of sound.
And then, it started.
Might just be my own preference, but sounds a little boring to me.
Try: And then, an E. (or whatever note is played) or With the slight crackle of a powered up amp, the first chord rung.
Your sentence afterwards is beautiful imagery, except
state of incessant and vigorous bobbing.
I personally see the word bobbing to be something more passive, so it looks a little weird with those adjectives modifying it. Maybe try
state of tumultuous grooving and rhythmic head-swaying (or maybe headbanging?)
Robert Plant's incensed wailing gave us both that euphoric feeling it had the first 100 time we had listened to it.
I think you meant to use the word incessant ?
Although no words were being exchanged between us both my dad and myself sense exactly what each other is feeling.
You forgot a comma between us and both, but this also sounds a bit lengthy.
Maybe:
My father's eyes met mine, and with a firm nod, we both knew that this euphoric feeling was mutual.
Fortunately for me, I had a dad that was extremely knowledgable regarding this genre of music.
Fortunately for me, my dad was the go-to aficionado for this genre of music.
The music had an equalising effect on us.
The music brought us to an emotional equilibrium of melodic serenity.
Read over your essay, there are a lot of places where you're missing a comma or a space.
However, I do like where you're going with this! You made it really personal, which is good!
Ahh ok just read that this is your first draft, well done! You forgot to put the prompt though, so I'm not sure what it's supposed to answer.
the prompt is: "What matters to you, and why?"
Thanks for the feedback. What bout the part with my friends? To me it seemed a little disjointed from the rest of the essay.
Nah man, I think it's fine. Your car sets the perfect brief environment for it, it's a great sub-point that still relates the main message of the topic.
So you're saying that music matters to you, because it helps you connect with everyone?
Try sending your essay around to others who don't know the prompt, and if they can guess what your thesis or purpose statement is (for example: "Music matters to me because it helps me bond with my father and friends" or something) then you've got a winner!
If not, it might seem a little messy, but I personally think this essay is a winner.
anything else? Ill have a revised version up later today
inter-connectedness
Overall, it's a pretty good essay. I'd just listen to the above posters, and make sure that your ending sentence connects the idea tha music is the key to bridging communicational gaps.
