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Why Stanford? Hope to get some suggestions.


danielnfls 1 / 1  
Nov 4, 2009   #1
Why Stanford makes a good place for you?

I have always sought a university where I am free to exchange ideas with the most brilliant students and professors, take challenging and rigorous courses, experience an intellectually compelling environment and enjoy all-year pleasant weather. Undoubtedly, Stanford provides the best answer for me.

...

Hope to hear some advice about both grammar and content. Thanks!
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Nov 4, 2009   #2
I have always sought a university where I am free to exchange ideas with the most brilliant students and professors, take challenging and rigorous courses, experience an intellectually compelling environment and enjoy all-year pleasant weather. Undoubtedly, Stanford provides the best answer for me. just a note, you didnt really ask a question However, what Stanford impresses me the most about Stanford and makes Stanford a perfect match for me is its inherent sense of pioneer spirit. [the what ... phrase...reason statement sounds a bit off.]

I am never limited by former modes or traditions. [bit strong of a statement] Since my childhood, I have always wished to and tried to be ["try to be" sounds negative, use always strived to be] a pioneer by bringing forward something [dont use something] innovative and productive [ideas to my community]. In the last few years, the mode of Student Union election in my school gradually ossified [had to check to dictionary for this word. xD] that all candidates drafted over-formal posters and canvassed in a serious manner, making the whole campaign process dull and invariable. [sentence in real need of rephrasing] Refusing to repeat what others say [said], I decided to choose another path: I added jokes in my speeches, prepared a humorous self-directed video and wore in special costumes. Not surprisingly, my innovations readily helped me stand out the common group [sounds a tad demeaning] and directly led me to eventual success, making me a pioneer in the election. [word pioneer sounds forced here. use another term.]

[overall, this paragraph places yourself in good light, but try focusing more on the topic/prompt.
or if you want to keep most of it, transition better to the third paragraph. use something like "I believe this mode (to use your term) of pioneering spirit is"... ]

I believe pioneer spirit is an instilled driving force in every Stanford people. Just as Stanford view book [typo here?] says: "The pioneering spirit of the West pervades the Stanford campus", Stanford has fostered numerous pioneers in various fields who continue to make differences in the world, like Larry Page and Sergey Brin founded Google, Bill Hewlett started HP company, etc. [DONT post facts from their website, I believe they already know who entered and made it big out in the real world.] In Stanford, the unconstrained [again, another forced word? maybe you meant unrestrained? no that still seems off. use another word xD] environment for pioneers to develop their own innovative thoughts is exactly what I long for [you long for this environment? or you long to be part of the studying, the research, the "brainpower" found at Stanford]. I am sure and ready to meet many other brilliant pioneers and innovators from all over the world. It is even exciting to imagine that we can hang out in Moonbeans or take a walk along the tropical trees under the enjoyable California sunshine. I am really glad to communicate novel thoughts and iconoclastic [unorthodox? ARE YOU SURE? that term seems a bit iconoclastic here.] opinions with these creative minds. Interacting with them will definitely stimulate myriad [word use] new ideas and broaden my vision. Here, I am confident and looking forward to becoming one of Stanford pioneers in the future.

Overall, I get the idea that you want to be part of this learning environment, to be a person who "pioneers" in new ideas. However, that word "pioneer" is overused, maybe 10 times? it distracts from the overall tone of the essay.

I understand why you want to go to Stanford, but also you need to stand out more. quoting their website-I think I saw the quote there-doesn't push that way.

Another thing, focus on tense changes.

*sry my edits are embedded in your writing. but its easier to comment that way.
umrily181 3 / 7  
Nov 4, 2009   #3
i really like you essay maybe you can improve on your vocabulary a little with some words
for example wished to desired
other than that its really awesome
OP danielnfls 1 / 1  
Nov 4, 2009   #4
Hey Jonathan
Truly thanks for your comments.
Yeah, I am just confused about how to stand out in my essay. Sometimes I just don't know how to express properly, especially when I was writing these "Why" stuffs.


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