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Stanford Essays- Intellectual vitality + Roommate note

GAS1995 3 / 7  
Dec 30, 2012   #1
Hey you guys ! I'm applying to Stanford and I know this is so very late but I would deeply appreciate if you guys can give my essays a read and point out any blunders or any room for improvement ! Thank-you in advance :D

Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

"Does the delegate yield the floor back to the chair?". "The delegate of the UK wishes to yield the floor to the delegate of Vietnam". "That is in order, does the delegate of Vietnam accept the floor?" "Yes".

Almost 2000 students from around the Middle East and Asia streamed into Qatar Academy for the annual Qatar Model United Nations in the winter of 2010. Surrounded by pupils who'd attended more than 5 conferences, I sat waiting for the opening ceremony to commence in a nervous haze hoping that my debating skills, or lack thereof, wouldn't be too detectable. To me QMUN was an unforgettable first glimpse of the world of deliberating, meliorating and diplomats (albeit role-played) investigating international issues.

Perhaps it was the realization that we set down our beliefs and values to represent those of nations different from our own, but as I sat there listening to the delegate of the UK address member states in the Economic and Social committee about the need to eradicate feminization of poverty and transplant tourism, I suddenly felt an electrifying sense of belonging. It was incredible to accept that I too was part of a larger world-wide community bound by a passion for sovereign equality, bridging the gap between social classes, developing symbiotic relations between nations and working together to diminish disease, poverty and illiteracy in the world. The fact that my peers and I willingly devoted a plethora of research hours to obtain policy statements for the issues at hand illustrated that the future generation, my generation, fully understood that behind the façade of language and cultural barriers, the façade of national conflicts and tensions we are all the same. We share the same need to be recognized and appreciated; we share the values of rights and freedom; we share the same passion to live and to inspire. For 4 days we lived to see and to learn- from ourselves and each other; transcending our personal tensions to meliorate over shared interests and strike a balance between national welfare and international gain. The skills I gained from leadership to compassion have proven invaluable. I was inspired that united, we really can make a difference.

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Dear Future roommate-
I am Ghaydah, that's pronounced 'Gy-dah'. I know, could my parents have picked a harder name to pronounce? Fortunately for them I have a unique personality to match. Here's why:

1) Growing up all I wanted to be was:
a) A ballerina
b) A Politician
c) A Doctor
d) All of the above
2) For my best friend's 17th birthday, a couple of my friends and I wrote up a series of love letters and instructions claiming to be Edward Cullen(yes the sparkly one) for an array of teachers to present to her only for later set her up on a wild Harry Potter themed goose hunt

3) I spend entire days at the Library reading and re-reading books (I've read my favorite book- 'The Gift' thrice) by my favorite authors.
4) In the Spring of 2012 instead of spending a week at a luxurious hotel in Italy, skiing with my classmates, I traveled to Colombo Sri Lanka and worked at Sarvodaya Orphanage in conjugation with Sarvodaya Suwasetha Nutrition center for malnourished children

5) Following a Toastmasters meeting, I gate-crashed (albeit one of the guests invited me) a Pakistani wedding only to be the single non-Indian sub-continent citizen present

6) In 6th grade, I persuasively debated my way into witnessing my grandmother have a Transesophageal echocardiogram and a adenosine/sestamibi stress echocardiogram
7) I've spent entire evenings discussing the socio-economic ramifications and cross currents of the game cricket and the word 'retard'
8) Spent 5 minutes of chemistry lab calculating how many generations of a family will live within Carbon's half-life (72 if you were wondering)

Note:I'm still working on the last one but I posted it up here for any criticism of whether the list it too boring or idk...
Amy95 1 / 1  
Dec 31, 2012   #2
Hello! Thanks for reading and commenting on my essay! (:

So I really enjoyed reading your first essay, I like the topic and I especially liked how you ended it. I think there should be a smoother transition between the second and third paragraph, "Perhaps..."

I think that the list for the roommate prompt shows how unique and inquisitive you are through the points but I think the list is a little too much. Maybe you could take some of those points and elaborate more. But if you're constricted with time (as am I-- I feel ya! lol) I'd just say send whatever you have.

I hope that helped!
jfloyd1879 4 / 10  
Dec 31, 2012   #3
Nice work, and thanks for helping me out! It was a very interesting read.

We share the same need to be recognized and appreciated; we share the values of rights and freedom; we share the same passion to live and to inspire.

Perhaps replace the above semicolons with commas to say "appreciated, the same values of rights and freedom, and the same passion to live and inspire"

Or you could start by saying something like "I found it very comforting to know that they shared the same qualities as me" to direct the focus on yourself as you list the qualities.

In the note I would remove 'd) All of the above' as it seems redundant.
Also, maybe tell about your role in toastmasters and/or explain what toastmasters is.

Great essay!
rew2402 5 / 21  
Dec 31, 2012   #4
i just read the room mate essay and it was gooood :)
although i dont particularly like the numbered format, but it is good nonetheless.

also, i like the 8th pt but i believe the time you have entered is too insigniificant ? or is it just me? meh.
i mean, maybe be like you spend 5 mins for finding out no of carbon cycles , and maybe also tell about some other day at lav and the 5 mins used for soemthing else?

i liiiiiike the room mate essay :)

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