Stanford Supplement: Last Two Summers

Hello! Thank you so much for helping me on my essays!

Topic:How did you spend your last two summers? (50 word limit, no need for complete sentences)

I have spent the last two summers traveling the world. My brief taste of a majority of the European countries two summers ago evoked and intensified my desire to experience the flavors of culture. Enjoying and satisfied by my visit to Japan and Korea this summer. I also explored the US (Tennessee, Texas) to complement the National Technology Student Association competition, and appreciated the life of my Grandpa by taking extra chemistry classes and teaching children to play music (He and I shared a love for nearly everything).

Problem: I had my friend quickly look at this answer, and he relayed that it made me seem like a rich brat who had the luxury of travel. However, I wanted to convey the message that I love to experience new and exciting parts of culture, and that I am not a closed person, and that I love to engage in the world around me, even if in a bigger picture. Since I am applying to the STEM field, I also thought it was appropriate to mention the science competition. Other than my lack of grammar, please provide suggestions on how to improve! Thank you!

I would say that your essay is basically a list of what you have done. You have not told me anything about yourself except the fact that you traveled, you were part of some competition, and you appreciate your grandpa. Instead of listing these things, explain it through experience. I want to know how you FELT through traveling. I want to know how traveling changed you. I want to feel your relationship with your grandfather.

I would cut out the first sentence ("I have spent the last two summers") because the readers will already expect an essay of what you've done your last summer. Don't rehash it. You will have more space.

Eri, whether you paid for the trips or not is not the issue. So whether you sound like a brat or not doesn't matter. The question only asks you to tell the reviewer what you did over the summer. He is not going to judge you on whether you paid for the trips or not. Please tell your friend that these responses require direct answers since these are word limited essays. The reviewer will not have any opinion of you other than the fact that you spent your 2 summers doing highly productive and relevant activities that helped you increase your knowledge and allowed you to pursue your educational interests. So there is nothing wrong at all with the activities that you listed. The only thing that I can advise you to do is mention the summer months and years that these activities took place so that the reviewer when you did what. Right now, it seems like you are just discussing one long summer. So just put the demarcation and your essay should be alright to submit.

Thank you so much for your opinions! @Holt @TheIndoBoy25

I ended up changing it a little bit, and still don't have any time reference since I just didn't have the space to include that information.

How do you feel about my new version? I tried to put a little more feeling in it. (It's phrases since it doesn't have to be in complete sentences).

"Fortunate to visit Europe, Japan, and Korea. Felt the world expand before my eyes as I talked to a local about Florence artwork and ate cheesy topologi. Appreciated my Grandpa's life by participating in Technology Student Association competitions and elated victory, then shared our love for music to young children. Overall, felt happy and new."

Thank you!

Eri, you can try something like this to make better sense of your statement:

2015
Toured Japan, Korea, Europe;
World view expanded.
Art in Florence;
Food tasted,
Cheesy Topologi.

2016
Appreciated Grandpa's life.
Technology Student Association;
highlight of competitions won.
Felt happy and new
While sharing my first love,
Music with children.

What I am trying to do here is show you an example of the unique way that you get your message across clearly to the reviewer. Notice how the poem includes dates of activities? That is the most important part of the information. You can adjust the poem I have above or you can make your own new one. The important thing is that you don't make yourself seem like you are just throwing random phrases at the reviewer. Even phrases, when properly presented, can make sense upon first reading.

Hi, your summers sounded very exciting! Holt's poem advice is pretty unique in that it separates your thoughts more clearly. While I was reading your supplement, I noticed that a lot of the sentences were run-on which made me less interested/bored. Also, I didn't understand the connection between you appreciating your grandpa's life and taking chem classes/playing music. I know that you guys shared the same interests, but how did you appreciate his life by doing those things? Try and make that more clear. Hope this helped!