"started playing the piano" - common app essay

could anyone tell me how my essay is. whether this is the way its supposed to be written. thanks :)

Please briefly elaborate on your extra co-curricular activities or work experiences in the space below.

I started playing the piano when I was four. This led me to join the Practical Music Society (PMS) at secondary school. The main objective of this society is to perform and entertain others when the occasions arise. During the practices, we would sit in silence and listen to one of the members playing. We would take the comments of others to improve ourselves. We give all sorts of performances, whether it is in the form of a choir or a classical ensemble. One of the things I enjoy about performing is that it gives me a chance to express myself and to showcase my talents. Every now and then, the society would perform at an orphanage near the school to amuse the children. We would play during school open days to raise funds for charity. We show our gratitude to teachers through music when it comes to teacher's day. Occasionally during school assemblies, we inspire our fellow students with motivational music.

We gain much satisfaction in seeing our performances being appreciated.

It's great. It's simple and to the point. Maybe a few grammar errors, but other than that, it's good. Essays like these aren't meant to be grandiose. All that matter is did you put anything that you want the admission reader to see. He/She won't care about your voice in the essay, but the content..

Could you please critique mine? The Yale one.

This is great! I agree with makman09 it's short, simple and to the point. The college admissions won't be bored or intimidated by the length and content of this supplement.

Could you take a look at my common app essay please?

the only thing i would say is that i noticed a lot of "we's."
it seems as if every other sentenced starts with "we." it's a tad redundant.