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I went on the stage, sat down at the piano and started hitting the first note of "Amazing Grace"

cookie97 1 / -  
Dec 24, 2014   #1
I feel like my essay has too many narrative parts... Can anyone tell me which sentences are irrelevant and help me to improve my essay? Thank you and merry Christmas!!

The prompt is:Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

"Watch how nerds will sing," some students from other classes whispered while expecting a poor, or even ridiculous, class choir performance in a school-wide choir competition. However, I went on the stage confidently, sat down at the piano and started hitting the first note of "Amazing Grace". As my class choir started, my thoughts threw back to 3 weeks ago.

Although my teacher had assigned me take charge of the event and organized my classmates to practice after school, my classmates were indifferent to the choir competition. When we had started rehearsal, I came across a series of adverse moments that my choir members were disregarding my opinions and sincere advice. They were so concentrated on solving math problems that they completely ignored what I taught. The class continued to sing with a poker face and posture worse than a zombie, despite the constant reminder for them to smile. They would abruptly stop singing and burst into laughter and paused singing when someone clapped hands on the offbeat. Moreover, my choir member's parents complained to the teacher that the rehearsal had wasted their children's time. "Choir competition means nothing to my classmates," I sighed to myself, " honor students are never expected to do well except for studying."

The frustration lasted till an unforgettable evening. "The honor class choir sang so terribly that I can imagine how they will humiliate themselves on the stage. Well, but how could we expect a class of nerds to sing?", A girl chuckled, her peers laughed loudly that honestly hurt my feelings but provoked the fighting spirit in my heart.

"Our class shouldn't be labeled as nerds because of a competition in which we didn't put enough effort. We have to win the competition to prove that we are not nerdy. Although I have an aptitude for music, one person is not sufficient. We need everyone's effort to be able to win the competition" I talked to myself and then figured out one way to persuade my classmates to participate in the competition's preparation.

On the following day, I rallied my class and proposed them to practice singing seriously. As I had predicted, some students said that, "Winning a music competition cannot win the pass ticket of University Entrance Exam. Why should we waste efforts on that stupid contest?"

"I believe most of you know the secret of solving difficult math problems, persistence. Once you start, you will never give up until the results come out. The persistence also can be applied in the choir competition. We have already started the preparation, why don't we just keep working on it and demonstrate that we can do amazing jobs in music?" I stood on a chair and tried to persuade them. There was no response but I knew their silence implied their agreement.

After the assembly, the enthusiasm and diligence of my class choir members lit up my hope and brought me confidence. They left their desk and practiced the harmony part that I simplified during every break; some students who played instruments volunteered to play solo parts. I had been so excited to hear the true sweet sounds when they had sung, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound". Moreover, I had gained more confidence in my choir after days of practice. Somehow, I could see the trophy through their eyes.

Now, it was my time to end up the song with the last note, and my classmates deeply bowed to the audience. Astonishingly, there was neither cheering nor applause. The gym was full of silence. At that time, the miracle happened! Starting from a boy's "Bravo", a thundering applause bursted through the audience. Crying with happiness, I was so proud of my choir's persistence that led us to the trophy and the respect of other students. In the future, I will put my best effort into everything that is my responsibility.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 24, 2014   #2
It might be good to use the word 'prompted' in the essay to show clearly that you covered that part of the prompt. Part of what they look for is clear indication that you answered the prompt.

indifferent to toward...

It might be tough to reduce the narrative since this prompt asks for a narrative.

Use a semi-colon: ...started the preparation; why don't...

Hmm.. the part where you can stop the narrative is the last paragraph. That paragraph can be reflection and discussion of the main insight you are sharing with the reader. It might be best to choose 2 sentences to delete and make room for another conclusion paragraph where you discuss the implications/conclusions you get from what you learned.

: )

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