I'm applying for the Business Administration undergraduate programme at NUS. The personal statement is limited to 2000 characters and this is a draft of mine. I hope to receive feedback from you. Thank you so much!
Personal Statement - Business Administration
"Why does a bowl of pho cost half as much as a cup of bubble tea while it is more nutritious and cooked sophisticatedly?" My cousin asked me when we went to a pho restaurant together around 6 years ago. Being a 12-year-old girl, I was unable to answer and the matter sunk into oblivion. A year later, I sold bubble tea to support a girl with leukaemia, which evoked the question. I realized pho is just a prime example of most domestic products being undervalued, and this is attributable to not only the customer's conditioned assessment but also the seller's business system. In the same year, I had a chance to visit Singapore and was impressed by the unique economic history there. I firmly believe that studying business in the active environment in Singapore, particularly at NUS, would assist me when I hope to exert a certain degree of impact on the development of national products in the home as well as foreign market.
Since then, I have tried to enrich my personal experience by participating in some social activities. Starting from high school, I have been the monitor for 3 years and co-led the trading of the mathematics classes in the school's fair twice. Notably, after the interview and probation, I was admitted to Empower Women Asia, national-scale entrepreneurship aimed at supporting ethnic minority children and women, and popularizing cultural values. As a part of it, I learned more vividly about running a professional business, especially marketing and customer service. Also, I major in mathematics, which I believe would be a solid base for further study in business. I got the 3rd prize in the Provincial Mathematical Olympiad, which is proof of my progress after the disorientation in the first year at high school.
Yet, the more I experience, the more aware I am of the knowledge, skills, and qualities I need to improve. Once at NUS, I will make the best progress, fulfil my original aspiration, contribute my success to my homeland and also, NUS.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,823 
4781 The time gap and age gap between when the question was asked, when it was remembered, and how it was applied by the writer is just too wide. The reviewer will not believe this presentation because it lacks proper development. It does not show a continuing development of the question within the applicant from the time it was first heard. The sudden jump to the visit to Singapore is also out of place. This is a personal statement so a progression of the thoughts, ideas, and experiences, culminating in the decision to study business administration must be present. That is actually what this essay lacks. I know there is a limited character count. However, that can be fixed by avoiding irrelevant discussions and presentations. Fix the first paragraph, adjust the second paragraph, and you should be set with a better personal statement within the character count.
