Personal statement for College application (UK); I am going to finish my IGCSE's

Hello everyone,

My name is Jerome, I am going to finish my IGCSE's this year, therefore, I am starting to apply for Colleges to do my A-levels. However, I am not a native English speaker and so the personal statements are kind of a new challenging thing for me.

I am applying for more than one College and I have summarized most of the required fields below with my statements. I would really appreciate if some of you could maybe take a look at my writings and possibly make me aware of any silly errors/mistakes and ways of maybe improving the style of my phrases.

- Why are you choosing this course?
I am choosing business studies, economics and sociology as my A-levels, because I want to develop and improve my knowledge of the business and financial world as well as society. Then be able to use this knowledge and skills in my future academics as well as career, so I am able to fulfill ambitions.

- What Careers are you interested in ? / do you have a specific career aim or job in mind for the future?
My goal is to achieve a career in management in the business world. In which I have responsibility and I can work with other people together in a team.

- What activities do you enjoy inside and outside of your school/college/academy?
During school I enjoy attending my ICT and business studies lesson. In my leisure time I enjoy going to the Gym, since I care a lot about my physical health.

- What are your hobbies and interests outside of study?
In my leisure time I enjoy going to the Gym, since my physical health and fitness are very important to me. As well as socializing with friends and family and meeting new people, are things I very much enjoy in my free time.

- Tell us about your achievements e.g. sports, voluntary work, employment progression etc
During holidays and in my leisure time I help out in my family's business, which works in the Egyptian tourism industry. This helped me to develop and obtain skills in hospitality, communication, team work and managerial skills; by dealing with customers and clients as well as supervising and working together with colleagues and business partners.

- Please state any school/college/academy responsibilities, awards and achievements:
I am a member of the student council, in which students' concerns and ideas are being discussed and passed on to the school administration.

- Please state your strengths, skills and qualities:
I am a reliable and self-confident person with a business orientated mind-set. I possess interpersonal and team working skills. In addition I am skilled in ICT.

Thank you for your time and any comments and replies are very appreciated !

Hi Jerome, your answers are pretty acceptable, nothing controversial or out of the ordinary.
Some suggestions on these 2 Q's (IN CAPS)
- What are your hobbies and interests outside of study?
YOU ALREADY MENTIONED GYM IN PREVIOUS ANSWER. USE THIS ANSWER TO PORTRAY HOW OUTGOING YOU ARE, GYM DOES NOT COUNT AS A HOBBY, MORE OF A HEALTH ROUTINE LIKE BRUSHING YOUR TEETH. HOW ABOUT MUSIC, BOOKS, DIVING, BIRDWATCHING?

In my leisure time I enjoy going to the Gym, since my physical health and fitness are very important to me. As well as socializing with friends and family and meeting new people, are things I very much enjoy in my free time.

- Tell us about your achievements e.g. sports, voluntary work, employment progression etc
During holidays and in my leisure time I help out in my family's business, which works in the Egyptian tourism industry. WHAT WAS YOUR WORK, WHAT DID YOU DO , WHAT DID YOU ACHIEVE SPECIFICALLY? PROVIDE A VIVID EXAMPLE OF YOUR ACHIEVEMENT (vs. general adjectives which are not as convincing...)This helped me to develop and obtain skills in hospitality, communication, team work and managerial skills; by dealing with customers and clients as well as supervising and working together with colleagues and business partners. THIS ALL SOUNDS LIKE YOU COPIED IT FROM A BROCHURE.