Hello guys, I hope you all are having a good day!
This is a statement I wrote explaining why I would want to attend the Oxford Summer School programme in 2016. I know it's not that good and needs a lot of improvement. Please help me make it better and unique. The essay should contain a maximum of 100 words.
"I have always been an optimistic and ambitious individual, wanting to seek new opportunities and explore new places, cultures and people.
Studying in the UK has always been my dream which makes me believe that an opportunity to study with an unbeatable faculty in a splendorous location and friendly atmosphere will help me interact with new people, broaden my horizons and help me look deeply into law, a profession I plan on pursuing in the future. This experience will help me grow as a person and will be an unforgettable learning experience."
At the moment Damitra, your statement sounds,dare I say, generic? There is really nothing that stands out about your interest in studying in the UK at this point. All of the information that you have placed in it is the same information that the other applicants will be submitting. You are applying to Oxford University, one of the most notable and historic universities in the world. Surely there is more to say about why you want to study at the university other than what you have right now.
I would not simply state that studying in the UK has always been a dream. Focus your statement on Oxford University. Look into the history of Oxford and find some personal connection to either the history, academic program, or summer internship experience that you can use as the opening sentence. If you plan to study Law in the future, talk about how you hope that your experience at Oxford will help you prepare for that eventuality.
After you establish the academic reason you want to attend Oxford, you should mention something about the Oxford summer school experience in terms of being able to interact with a school that has one of the most diverse student population in the planet. It is at this point that you can mention that you are "an optimistic and ambitious individual, wanting to seek new opportunities and explore new places, cultures and people.
Try to devise a way to revise your statement to reflect these topics so that you can strengthen your statement. I should help to remove the generic feel of the essay and show the reviewer how excited and interested you are in the Oxford experience.
Hi! As with the poster above, I agree that it is somewhat generic. It seems like you focus a lot on the great things about the UK, and the essay reader may see that as you caring more about the location than the school that you are applying for. That is one of the biggest issues I saw.
I suggest that you try to include more of a personal reason for wanting to attend Oxford, one that will really stand out and show the reader that you are unique. It would allow your application to stand out. However, the part where you mentioned your plans to study law was good for that reason - it was a personal connection. Looking specifically into the law program at Oxford and using specific examples could improve your essay in showing that your are truly interested in Oxford.
The part where you say "help me look deeply into law" sounds a bit awkward to me and I would change it to something like "allow me to understand law on a deeper level." It's minor, but it jumped out to me as I was reading it because it just sounded awkward to me.
Good luck with your application!
Thank you so much. I'll focus on what both of you said, it was really helpful :)
- "I have always been an optimistic
- ...and an ambitious individual,
- wanting to seek new opportunities and explore new places, cultures and people.
- ...unbeatable faculty in a splendoroussplendid location...
- ...help me look deeply into the law,
The remarks I made above should be able to help you out.
I'm just looking for a lot of words to put into it in order to make your cut to the Summer school program however I thought of your word count that
will restrict your statement from writing more.
On the other hand, I believe that your statement is strong enough to make it.
Do let us know what happens...Best of luck to you.