Personal statement with a focus on what you learned from and felt during an extracurricular activity

PLEASE HELP ME REVISE

joining the band to play piano

Please write the personal statement with a focus on what you learned from and felt during curricular and/or extracurricular activities (up to three)
to which you attached meaning and devoted yourself in high school. (within 1500 characters/200words)

I still remember the first time when I walked into the studio and felt the hot air in the packed small room. And I had not realized that it was the first step of a new adventure.

In my first year of high school, I was forced to join the band extracurricular and I felt uneasy because I was not sure of my piano skill. However, that feeling suddenly disappeared when I started playing. Out of 15 participants, I was one of the 7 students selected for the band.

The first team practice felt uncomfortable as I did not know anyone on the team and my skill was not as good. But as time went by, I got closer to my teammates and they helped me to be better. It can be said that I practiced harder than anyone else and even my teacher said that I improved the most. '

In the first competition, we succeed in getting in the top 3. Then, we came second in our second competition. We also won several competitions, even a prestigious competition in Jakarta.

There are many troubles along the way, tears, feelings of insecurity, and lots of arguments. And through this journey, I experienced new things, visited new places, and got to know more people in the industry. Being in a team means that I have to be selfless, more careful, and responsible for my actions. I believe that with hard work and dedication, I can improve in anything as I did in music.

Hello @scythe
Idk how to say but if I were you I would focus on describing all the effort I put on the training process for a specific competition I'd been through.

I could be not as good as others but how I tried to improve. For example, I went to the studio 2 hours sooner or went back home 3 hours later than them.

Sometimes I felt disappointed and overwhelmed due to the band's activity plus academic work but how I overcame? I calmed down, arranged things, talked to them and received big encouragement from them, etc.

And one advice for motivation letter that I find really true is "show, don't tell". Showing in details what you had done would help the committee see more clearly the way you "practiced harder than anyone else", rather than just "telling".

It was a little bit of my experience I learned from two letters of mine, one success and one failure. I hope that helps. Good luck :D

It would be better to show a diverse form of activities ( a mix of curricular and extra curricular) for this type of essay. The reason being that the activities are being used to gauge your maturity as an individual. Each activity should have placed you in an uncomfortable or unfamiliar situation that you had to overcome. With every activity that you discuss, you should be able to highlight a sense of maturity, responsibility, or adaptability that would indicate a preparation for college. Your ability to stick to the tasks, and learn from the situations help you create an image in the eyes of the reviewer, who wishes to see your character and conduct when dealing with various situations. As a college student, these traits will be some of the most important factors for your acceptance consideration as an immature or shallow minded student is considered ill prepared for college life.

@Holt
Thanks for the feedback, but I'm afraid that the essay will be longer than 1500 words. What should I erase and what should I keep in my essay?