PROMPT: A good story starts with a good beginning. Get us hooked in the first 150 words. (word limit 150-200 words)
I wrote two essays. I think I like the second one, but the first might be a little more suspenseful? I just feel like it might be an overdone topic. Also, Notre Dame is a Catholic school, so I'm worried about doing anything too violent or immoral. Please tell me which is better and edit that one!
ESSAY #1: I felt the heat before anything else. It burned the back of my neck, grazed my shoulders, and scorched the soles of my feet. The dryness of my mouth struck next. It was impossible to swallow, and my throat was scraped with each inhale.
I felt a rocking sensation. My eyes were crusted shut, but I managed to open them as I vomited. My stomach dropped the second I adjusted to the light. I ached for my previous unconsciousness.
The sky was cloudless. The sun was directly overhead, blistering my skin and chapping my lips. The view was the same regardless of the direction I turned my head. I was surrounded by endless water, salty waves calmly lapping at the sides of the small wooden structure-a door, or maybe a legless table-that was solely responsible for keeping me afloat. Nothing interrupted the horizon. My eyes desperately scanned for the reinvigorating sight of land or a boat, but I was utterly alone. My heart began beating fast in my throat, my breathing shallow and too frequent. A scream tried to escape my mouth, but caught in the hoarse dryness.
Where was I? How did I get here? What was I going to do?
ESSAY #2: The boat slowed to a stop, and I smiled as my windblown hair fell about my face. Each ocean wave sprayed salty mist against my skin. The sun threw shades of purple, orange, and pink as it rose on the horizon. I giggled in excitement, pulling my wet suit over my shoulders.
I awkwardly waddled in my fins to meet my father at the back of the boat. He helped as I routinely strapped on all the gear-the weight belt, the BCD vest attached to the air tank, and the air regulator-and I eagerly waited as he did the same. Finally, holding tight to my mask, I jumped.
I stayed afloat on the warm ocean waves for only a moment. Soon I was smiling, regulator in mouth, breathing the clean oxygen, sinking further and further into the deep blue. Fish shimmered as they swam by. My father was underwater, too, and guided my attention to the large opening of a cave in the rocks below.
Colorful coral decorated the area, and mesmerizing creatures were abundant, but the cave held my interest. We'd never explored this abyss. I swam into the mystery.
very, very good essays. They both have a dark tone, if that is what you were going for, than that's great. For the second one, the eye crustiness, blood boiling and vomiting might make any admissions counselor slowly back away from your essay, but if you had to remove one thing, I would remove the vomit part. (especially the acids and bile in the last sentence).
So I'm worried the essays were a little too dark. I was aiming for suspense because the prompt says to hook them, and didn't know how to do that without making it a little scary. BUT, I edited the second essay and wrote a whole new one. The new one is much happier, I'm just scared it's boring! Please edit either and let me know which one you think I should use (or if you think I need to head in a completely different direction...)
Personally I enjoyed reading the first one more, as I can feel the tensions within the plot and I'm eager to read the rest of the story.
About them being too dark, I think it's rather a really minor issue. It showed your distinct writing style and there's no need to hide it. It's true ND is a catholic school, but they are not that conservative.
The prompt asks you to show how well you can tell a story and get people hooked, and so far you did an impressive job on it.
