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"strengthen me both physically and mentally" - WHY DUKE ESSAY


m45over 6 / 12  
Aug 29, 2011   #1
Can you read my why duke essay and offer criticism where possible.Any help will be appreciated.Below is it:

It has always been my dream to go to duke. This dream to be in duke is as a result of my contact with a duke alumnus. Apparently, the guy came to my school as a volunteer and was teaching us biology. His teaching methods were quite different from that of our teachers. He always stresses on the need for research and tend to engage us in research by awarding points when one did an awesome research work. He was always well prepared and organized when teaching. Being Inquisitive, I approached him and asked him about how he came out with his method of teaching and he replied saying that it was something he learnt during his studies in duke. That was where my dream to be in duke suddenly emerges. Duke has an innovative and interactive curriculum, which will not only provide me with the requisite knowledge but also engage me as a student in the acquisition of knowledge. The Duke Engage program will provide me with service experiences requisite to becoming a good medical practitioner as well as offer me the opportunity to give back to society what I have acquired being a student of duke.

Duke has a very good pre-med program, which will make me a strong candidate for any medical school in the world. Duke's pre-med program has been rated the best in the US and this has been a result of the investment Duke makes in trying to produce medical students who impact society positively. My research about duke revealed a student to teacher ratio of 1:11 and this will offer me the opportunity to interact with staff and this will help me get a better understanding of certain subject areas and myself. It will also be a great experience interacting with the intimate, friendly and diverse student body. It will make me feel at home. Being someone who like sports, the outstanding basketball team and other sports played at Duke will help strengthen me both physically and mentally. Duke is just the school for me, a place where I can develop my medical talents as well as other talents inherent in me.

EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
Aug 29, 2011   #2
The first thing I notice, is that it looks like you say 'Duke' a hundred times, and you do not capitalize the word.

Apparently, the guyA man came to my school as a volunteer and was teaching us biology.

His teaching methods were quite different from that of our regular teachers.

He always stressedon the need for research and tended to engage us in research by awarding points when one did an awesome research work.

... saying that it was something he learned during his studies in duke.

That was where my dream to be in duke suddenly emerged .

My research about duke revealed a student to teacher ratio of 1:11 and this will offer me the opportunity to interact with staff and this will help me get a better understanding of certain subject areas and also myself.

...a place where I can develop my medical talents as well as other talents inherent in me.---I really like this ending!

Good luck in school!
:)
leon_joel 4 / 2  
Aug 29, 2011   #3
Great Piece of work there. but don't you think its too brief?
Mohaimin 3 / 7  
Aug 29, 2011   #4
This is good, not great. If all essays were a penalty(soccer), this would not sail over the bar. But it would not be a goal either. It grazes the post and just misses. Your content is great, just put more of a voice into it.
namato 7 / 16  
Aug 29, 2011   #5
Hello there m45over :) This is an ok essay in my opinion, but its just my opinion. But here are my reccommendations.

Firstly, I agree with EF susan, you use "Duke" way too much. Secondly, you need to be more consistent with your use of tenses. With that I mean that you shift way too much between the past, present and past participle tenses. I think EF susan corrected some of those for you. Next, and this is VERY IMPORTANT. I feel that you can impress the adcom more if you show nd dont tell eg

Being Inquisitive, I approached him and asked him about how he came out with his method of teaching

I would remove the " Being inquisitive" part. By doing that the adcom can infer that you are inquisitive from the rest of the sentence. And you wont come across as cocky or too sure of yourself.

Lastly,

It has always been my dream to go to duke

is too much of a cliche in my opinion. Try and be more original. Has going to Duke always been your dream? Really? Since you were born?

I am sorry if I was too harsh. You can leave my advice if you wish. Other than that, I wish you the best. Plus I would be more than willing to look at some of your other essays if you want.


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