Describe the world you come from and how that world shaped who you are. (250)
Any feedback is appreciated.
All I wanted was a Hess truck! But, I never got one. Perhaps, if I was lucky, I'd receive a new pair of shoes or a book for my birthday. I remember sitting outside mom's Laundromat selling bottle caps for a dollar-a-piece. My overpriced "business" was a complete failure, but I wanted to help out my family nonetheless. Money was always an issue.
For my father, a plumber and my mother, a laundry lady, the "nine to five" was an American dream. An eighteen hour work day was not out of the ordinary, and as a child, I often wished my parents had normal lives. "Why couldn't they get office jobs or do something exciting?"
As part of an immigrant family, I was also confronted by a strong language barrier. Every time my parents went shopping, I became a personal translator, bound to their every excursion. Mom tells me, "If only I had a college degree, I could change the world. My father mutters, "if only English wasn't such a difficult language..."
Like many children, I am strengthened by my parents' support, but having been raised in the face of tremendous sacrifice, I am empowered. As a witness to my parents' financial and linguistic barriers, I am inspired to follow their example of perseverance.
Whether in music, sports, or politics, I strive earnestly like my parents, who, despite their own toils, are always behind me, telling me in their broken but persistent English, "Don't give up!"
Your essay is legit moving. It's funny and relatable, not because I come from a similar background, but your life comes alive in your writing. So awesome job!
The only suggestion I have is maybe angling your aspirations a little more. Even if its just one sentence, or a phrase, mentioning what you want to pursue in college because of your background. It could just be teaching english as a second language or becoming an engineer.
Hope that helped! Check out my essay if you can.
"For my father, a plumber and my mother, a laundry lady," <- do you want to add a comma after 'plumber'?
"Mom tells me, "If only I had a college degree, I could change the world. My father mutters" <- personally i think it would sound better if they were parallel. either 'mom says...dad says...' or 'my mother says...my father says...' but i guess you could be the judge of that
and i agree with mle2010. even though the prompt doesnt specifically say so i think you should discuss how your world has shaped not only who you are but your dreams as well
hey what college is this for? the prompt is very similar to the first UC prompt
also also, read mine? :D
