Any suggestions on grammar or the essay in general would be greatly appreciated.
Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
For three days a week after school I saw life as a rhythm; an endless repetitive clamor broken by intricate downward snaps and flourishes of my drumsticks. For the other two days I attended a Gifted and Talented Education program where we learned the finer points of bridge design using multicolored bendy straws and the best way to construct a parachute for an egg in case of emergency ten foot landings. I was in 5th grade and stepped off a school bus each evening at 5 o'clock where I preceded, along with the neighborhood kids, to partake in several games of basketball until the streetlights methodically lit up one by one until I finally had no choice but to return home.
I soared above the Pacific and came to America at age 6 with my family. The importance of success was a mantra endlessly voiced to me, my older sister, and my younger brother by both my parents. I struggled greatly at first, but gained confidence and followed my sister's footsteps engaging an endless pursuit of academics, acquiring a passion for basketball, and found my own niche in the drum line at my school. I succeeded in what I could control - what I could repetitively practice hours on end and perfect. Yet I could only control so much.
Divorce was a foreign word to me until I experienced it at home. I understood its meaning but living through it gave me new perspective. You quickly learn to stay quiet at times of arguments, to sleep through the sounds of an enraged and alcoholic fueled father, and to live life at school as a completely separate persona. I actually relished my time at school and the midsummer nights outside my home playing with neighborhood friends under the moonlight. It was all to escape the dysfunction of a house which contradicted the comfort, warmth, and security a home was supposed to embody. As I watched our house fade from view with my mother and siblings by my side at age 11, I recollected every negative memory - every bout of shouting and violence - and I began to aspire for something else other than just success. I sought to further myself, to become an understanding, supportive, and selfless individual and eventually father in my future, someone that I had lacked in my own life.
I was raised to equate success in school with a successful career but my experiences have reshaped what I truly believe is important. At some point in time I realized that I shared the same obstacles and experiences with millions of other children like myself. After that day, I learned that self-pity was a useless endeavor and to truly appreciate the good that existed in my life. As I continue to pursue my education, I've grasped that while success is no means a misaligned principal goal, I needed to strive for a meaningful career that will not only impact my own but the lives of others as well. And while the nature of my impact eludes me I can only persist onwards and seek the opportunity to make it reality.
I think this is an excellent essay.You focus on the impact of your parents' divorce on you,and you clearly describe the valuable qualities that you gained from your experiences.In this essay,I can see a real person.And I'm sure the admission officers will,too.But I think the essay is a little bit long.I'm not sure but I think UC's limitation of words is less than 500,so maybe you need to shorten your essay.I suggest you to cut some sentences in the first 2 paragraphs,especially the first one,it does not directly associate with your family issues.
As I continue to pursue my education, I've grasped that while success is no means a misaligned principal goal, I needed to strive for a meaningful career that will not only impact my own but the lives of others as well. And while the nature of my impact eludes me I can only persist onwards and seek the opportunity to make it reality.
This is such great writing. It is nice that you are honest about the fact that you don't know what you want to do. But it is also inspirational to know clearly what you want to do. You DO have the option of writing about what you KNOW you want... you may know somethings but not others... but when you highlight what you are certain about, it inspires the reader. :-)
