'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer

Hi, I am applying to JHU and I was hoping for a little advice on the content and structure of my short answer for JHU. It is the 150 words for the extracurricular activity you do.

At my high school, more student-run clubs open every year. I love the commitments my peers have made to our community and themselves. Out of the several clubs I participate and hold leadership positions in, Debate is one of my favorites, especially because it uses strategy and intelligence simultaneously.

I began the club thinking it would be a good way to meet involved students. However, I have learned much more from this club. By debating in an aggressive atmosphere, I have learned the importance of keeping calm, whilst maintaining a strong presence. Additionally, my impromptu speech writing has become both formidable and succinct. All of this self-improvement has brought me to co-secretary of this club. The most valuable thing I have learned, however, is to appreciate knowledge and awareness, for without it, not only would debate cease to exist, but also with it, the sense of difference and contrast in our colorful world.

thanks a lot!!

At my high school, more student-run clubs open every year. I love the commitments my peers have made to our community and themselves.
^What is the point in mentioning this? This is nothing about you.

Out of the several clubs I participate and hold leadership positions in, Debate is one of my favorites, especially because it uses strategy and intelligence simultaneously.

^In reference to what is highlighted in bold, it sounds as if you are trying to already impress whoever is reading your essay that you do so much. I doubt they will care, and will probably just identify this as some facade that you are trying to put on. Just tell your readers that you enjoy Debate club.

I began the club thinking it would be a good way to meet involved students.
^Did you start the club, or join it?

However, I have learned much more from this club. By debating in an aggressive atmosphere, I have learned the importance of keeping calm, whilst maintaining a strong presence. Additionally, my impromptu speech writing has become both formidable and succinct.

^Id really say that is a matter of opinion. Also, debate tends to be rather subjective. So there is no guarantee that your speech writing has actually improved at all. I have seen debators, and even though I may think that one party expressed more accurate views and made and evaluated much stronger points, the judge panel may choose the other team because of a matter of opinion. Do you see where I am going with this? Even if you do not, you do not need to praise yourself like this by saying that your writing has become 'formidable and succint'.

All of this self-improvement has brought me to co-secretary of this club. The most valuable thing I have learned, however, is to appreciate knowledge and awareness, for without it, not only would debate cease to exist, but also with it, the sense of difference and contrast in our colorful world.

^Hmm I am not quite feling the ending, particularly the last sentence. Not all debates impart knowledge and awareness just so you know. Saying that kind of shows you have a limited understanding on the concept of debating.

Debating is used to express your point of view and counter a conflicting point of view. What is the probability that you would have knocked sense into your opponent, and made him believe that he/she is wrong and that you are right. If he/she still believes in his/her view after the debate, then that person did not appreciate your knowledge and did not choose to become aware of the validity of your claims.

For example, I actually do advocate free markets and capitalism. Suppose you think otherwise, you can debate with me all you like, your points may even be more valid, however, that does not mean that my awarness or knowledge of your point of view will improve, because my parochial view on the free market and it's benefits will remain intact. Do you see what I mean here. Debates do not necessarily change the minds of people. Particularly the debators. If these debators continue to cling on to their points of view, then they have not appreciated knowledge. I have done some debating in the past and have seen debate clubs in school. I really do not think that debators want to gain knowledge from an alternative perspective, because that would mean that they are wrong. Also, if they do accept knowledge, and become more aware, of another point of view, then quite frankly, the debate is over. It is a resolved matter. It was a debate.

Since Liebe cut some sentences, you have room for more detail. Was there a debate topic in which you were especially engaged or argument about which you felt especially proud?

thanks for your advice, I tried to write something a little different below. Rather than trying to impress anyone with what I think I have done, I just tried to show how intense it is in debate.

The lights flicker on to illuminate the area. As my partner and I step into the room, we await them. In the silence that ensues, we each organize our thoughts. Suddenly, the door swings open, and our opposition sits down facing us. After meeting and measuring up the two high schoolers before us, we give our carefully planned speeches. Following their retorts, we furiously scribble down opposing facts. Back and forth, back and forth, we continue to try to persuade the judge at the back of the room to lean to our side. Then comes the grand cross-fire, when we truly see the capabilities of our foes, and more importantly, ourselves. Every word matters and every second, we come closer to the conclusion of our debate. Such is the intensity of debate. Its thrill, win or lose, and dependence on sheer knowledge and strategy draws me to the art of debate.

its 152 words- so any proofreading will help
thanks!!

Await who?

Back and forth, back and forth, we continue to try to persuade the judge at the back of the room to lean to our side .

well, i was going to put the them in italics to show suspense. I thought "them" was okay because I later clarify that they are the opposition. If it doesn't make sense, what could I put instead of them to keep that feeling of suspense?

thanks for your help and I will incorporate all your advice!

^I too thought about the 'them', but then as I read on, I had a feeling that you said that for supposed dramatic effect.
Given the context, 'them' can even be the judge panel

i think i will change "them" then. Do you think the essay overall is written in a creative and appropriate manner? After smaller alterations, could this be my final essay?

thanks your feedback is greatly appreciated

Yes and yes.

Yes. Your essay is very good, given how little room you have to work with. You show how much debate matters to you, which is about the best you can hope for in under 150 words. Just to be sure, though, what was the exact prompt, again? Was it to describe how much an activity meant to you, or to explain what you learned from doing an event?

Yes, the essay was simply to describe an extracurricular activity I do.
I hope I have shown my passion for debate.
thanks for all of your help!

It's supposed to be only 150 wordS?

The verbatim prompt is: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

I'm assuming you are able to say more about yourself in other elements of the application.

yes- this is just the short answer part of the Common Application

Okay, then yes, your essay is fine. I just wanted to see the exact prompt, because you could have been asked to talk about your extracurriculars in a way that would have made your essay off topic.